how to feel okay

how to learn what i want

i used to send paragraphs to my friends in middle school because they were sad and always threatening to self harm and they made me feel responsible for their well being because they always came to me and i put all the pressure on myself to keep them safe because i thought they trusted me when in reality i fed them the attention they wanted and never returned. that's how i feel like my life is going except every person in that scenario is myself. im always stressing myself out because i want more than i have.

do you understand?

i want to feel important.

that's the biggest picture.

i want to feel important to my boyfriend. that's why i never feel loved.

i want to feel important to my friends.
that's why i take it so personally when they make plans without me.

i want to feel important in school.
that's why i became so attached to my teacher and writing for the school newspaper.

i want to feel important in choir.
that's why i took not making it into the chamber choir so personally.

i want to feel important so i feel like i have a purpose and a reason. without importance i mean nothing and i am nothing. i want to be needed.

how do i explain that sometimes i feel as if i do not exist?

"i know what you mean. you feel so unimportant that you feel like you don't exist or matter which is wrong."
"if it's wrong then you shouldn't let it bother you."

it doesn't work like that.

i think i've come to terms with the fact that i just need to be needed.