I'm still here - YiZhan

When Memories Hurt

"Hi congratulations....it's good to see you again Yi Bo!"

Xiao Zhan called from across the room, he was attending as a guest star for an event that Yi Bo is also participating.

Yi Bo look up from the corner of the room as he was swamped with his crew explaining the details of the stage to him..caught by surprise on Xiao Zhan's presence. He waves over to Xiao Zhan and continue listening in as the team briefs him.

Time passes by...both of them were used to the space and distance and it was well known that they both have moved on with their lives.

At the end of the programme - Xiao Zhan headed back stage to pick up his remaining things. He was caught off guard by a group of noisy young team of people cheering and talking. And in the crowd he saw Yibo Hi Fi-ing, happy to see him excelling and doing well in his career. He took his things and left quickly.

He had moved out from his place, changed his numbers due to the a few incidences and he had closed his past chapter and move on. He had signed up on a few shows decked up for him,  but more importantly he is planning for his inaugural concert to showcase his collection of self compose songs he had made while he was away for a while. He was in the midst of arranging for his art pieces to be show cased together with a local collaboration both fine and contemporary art.

Back home - Xiao Zhan was getting ready to continue writing, his night ritual. He look at the photo frame in front of him a little cute cat and dog picture was looking back at him and he smiled.

My shooting star
It's good to see you today, I'm so proud of you deeply....I'm glad you are moving on well. I have started my new book and finish my sketch book. Glad we had that chapter in our lives and that it gives us the courage to move on. The fairytale we started ....will always remain. Continue to focus on your path we will meet one day again. I've been doing well... things sure took a twist and I'm glad we got over how we felt back then. See told you I was right, time will heal and things would be better.

He stopped, closed his eyes and look up, and his constant drumming in to make himself move on - staying positive and pushing himself to think about things that made him happy. Letting go of the past, that's the only way to keep things in balance - keeping his loved ones at bay and giving them the best that they deserve.

It was just not long ago when he still remember his last scent, his tight embrace, his soft whispers

"No Ge, don't do this..."  He held on tightly to Xiao Zhan
"Just for 1 year Bodi, I want you to promise that you will focus and really prioritise your career. We are always in touch, we are already doing that by video call Bodi..we would be fine.
"But I still want to see you, I want to come home to your place"
"I'm still here" Zhan said softly as he tried to keep his heart harden.

That day still hurts but it was probably the best for them. Replaying more of their conversations, Xiao Zhan found he had to find ways to write his deepest thoughts out, and his plans were working well.

Yibo had initially cling on to the video calls but that faded over time as his schedule got busier. And it went on where there were days when they had hardly had any exchange of words and time just took over, and Zhan accepted that his plan work after the last call he had with Yibo.

"Hi Ge! How are you? Sorry it has been crazy here."
"It's okay Bodi, are you having enough rest? Make sure you don't over worked ya,
"Yup all good, just packed on schedule. How are you doing Ge, heard you are working on some concert, you are inviting me ya? front seat seat VIP?"
"Haha sure." Zhan laugh off
"Hey Ge i wanted to thank you for making me realised what you said earlier that I was probably just obsessed over our feelings and it is just a momentary thing, I guess time just really heal" Yibo stopped for a while and then continue " I do miss you a lot, but I'm better now, I guess you are right, young and obsessive and it will pass" He look up and look into Xiao Zhan's eyes and force a smile.

"Mnnn..." Xiao Zhan answered back it was a long silence "You will do well Yibo and whenever you feel you need to talk I'm always here"
"Thanks Ge"
And that was the last call they had from that day with occasional pictures of how each other is doing.

Time flies, when the heart feels unwell especially when the misses hurts so much so deep and the best remedy Zhan felt rather than seeing Yibo suffer is to get him to focus more on his work. Drain their thoughts and misses until such that time took over and heal the broken hearts. When one is busy the mind is occupied, the feelings will submerged...it will pass-on and they will grow out of it.

On the other hand, Xiao Zhan has been struggling to get over his dreams...it is true when you love someone so much, letting go makes you dream of them. you would dream if he had move on, and you live in parallel universe. At the core of it he is afraid to let go and afraid Yibo will forget him, their time, yet in reality he knows that's the best thing to do.

At times tears in his dream would drip from his eyes and he will find himself waking up with his eyes wet. He would keep, store and lock up all these away, for him as long as others are well, he will be fine. It doesn't matter if the heart cries or if it hurts terribly, what he cares is that Yibo will move on happily so will the rest of the people around him. He has been tracing the social media, checking in on news on himself, news on Yibo and every bit of news on Yibo adds on to his proudness to be able to influence Yibo once upon a time and give him the support needed for him to push forward. And those misses are kept quietly in his diary...and the days passes and as messages dies down, so does his heart. The sharp shattered piece of heart break works its way into his dream at night unknowingly and unconsciously.

The next morning, he was up early - clearing out some of his drawers to make way for some of his music notes to be stored. As he cleared he saw a familiar box he'd store away months back - something he bought when he was at travelling. A little figurine that had a dog and cat in it and the word "US". He wanted to give it to Yibo when he was back at his place the last time before he shifted but kept it instead. He stared and the drawer of things that came a long, just that a music played behind on his head set

How have you been?
Are you late as usual
Staying up late to work and not sleep well?
After you have achieved your dream, please stop pushing yourself too far
Try to quit your habit
For my pride was too much, I didn't take good care of you
Pride is fragile appearance
Thing that I most fear is you don't want my heart
Can you continue to cry for me, smile at me, be nice to me
Allow me to think for you, get crazy for you and grow old with you
How have you been? I really want to know
Do not throw away all the memories ...
I just want you by by side, get crazy with me, play with me
Let the good me replace the old bad me
really want to hear, you say you strongly love me
Unfortunately, we cant go back to that time
How have you been?....

He stopped the music, closed the drawer. look at his schedule and decided to head straight to work.
It was the same song Yibo had sent him the link on months back when they had not been in contact for sometime and he had blocked every possible memories that could possible distract them, or deepen the hurt that they are already nursing.