Broken is Beautiful-Sterek

2

Every day feels the same:

Wake up 6:45 am on the dot and wait for my alarm to go off at 7 am...

Then its time to brush my teeth, throw on the first pair of clothes I see and brush my hair if it looks messy. Maybe just on the rare occasion, I'll eat something like if I feel up to it. Then I'm left alone with my thoughts, but they always end up on similar topics like how no one likes to think of it but the stuff you go through changes you, even if you don't think it does or try to stay the same everything feels different, everything feels...off.

After everything that happened to me, I noticed things I stared to do differently. I started showering less, I stopped caring about what I look like instead of the usual casual outfits, now I wear extremely baggy dark clothes. I barely sleep and when I do I sleep so lightly from being on edge it feels like I haven't even slept at all. I stopped eating for a while but that lead to gaining weight since my body started storing fat thinking I was a caveman or something, so every few days I eat a small bit of food for dinner... for a while, I stopped drinking water too instead I stuck to energy drinks and coffee but that just leaves me feeling thirsty 24/7 so I try and have at least half a glass of water every week due to the amount of coffee I have I get a water every day just not the pure stuff since it's filtered with all that caffeine. My walls are up so high that those who make it close over often give up right before they climb over, I get attached to them since they've stuck around long enough to make an effort but they usually give up the day before I manage to open up its happened a few times. People see me as the rude intimidating loner even though I smile at people but my reactions are usually so slow since I'm always so exhausted that it takes at least 4 solid seconds for my brain to realise if someones trying to talk to me. In class, I try to smile at people and when they need help or stationary I offer but after that, they usually stop talking to me thinking I'll stab them with my pen or something. I get I'm pale, I have massive dark grey bags under my eyes and I'm always alone staring into the distance with a 'depressed face' but that doesn't mean I'm planning a murder or planning ANYTHING I just zone out! like dude we all do it, so what? 

Sometimes I think people notice I can be nice but a choice to ignore it because if they hang out with me all the rumours about me will affect them too because they'd get stuck with their own too. The last person that hung out with me was some guy called Scott, he was nice or so I thought but then a girl came along and he couldn't let my reputation come in the way of his 'true love'. No one gets over my wall after that. Scott was the last person I let in, he stuck by me for a couple of months when we were 15 but since he ditched me I never really accepted anyone else, I guess it just hurt too much. I was starting to like him a lot, I felt like we could've been good friends if he just stuck around a bit longer but I guess our epic bromance just wasn't meant to be.

 Ever since I told that bitch Elise my life has been hell, I'm only allowed to go to the apartment to shower, sleep and eat also homework if I'm lucky but if I don't need any of the things she wants me out of there as I have somewhere to go... Usually, I just end up at the forest I ran too all those years ago, I practically live there now I built a small hut kind of shelter out of some old broken branches I found to keep myself dry when it rains. I barely get to see Kit and Alex and it hurt so much because they're the only people I talk to, I don't talk to Rose anymore after coming out about everything that happened to me she kind of just disappeared, no texts or calls, she didn't even come online for 6 months how was I meant to take that, then she just started to ignore me for weeks whenever I text her so I did the one thing I'm good at... I gave up, I gave up on my friendship after 9 months because she didn't care about me anymore. I mean why would she!? Who would want to be friends with someone that get touched the ways I did? felt the way I did?

Honestly, I gave up on myself too. I'm nothing anymore just a hollow shell of the person I once was if that, almost everything about me has changed from my humour to my thoughts.