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When i realise that i haven't cried for a long time

It is not bad to cry. I realise that i have feelings, that i am also a human when i cry. 

Today i realised that i haven't cried for a long. Maybe more than 3 months. I have to cry. Regularly.

I push myself too much. Some things you see, but some you don't.

They are insede of me, only i can feel their pain and live with the struggle.

Most of the time you don't even realise that i bleed.

I need my best friend.

I don't need my boyfriend. This makes me feel uncomfortable and to pay attention to every little thing that i can say in a particular moment. I am afraid. I have my wounds. I have a lot from them. 

I have to realise that i am also a human.

I did something very bad to myself. I thought about money and success, which others have to see. But i didn't realise that i wouldn't be happy. I forgot to think about myself. I concentrated too much on what and how i should be, i forgot to be real. 

I tried to push myself into rules, because i tought they will solve my problems, find an answer to my questions. 

Actually. People think i learn a lot. But it is not right. In this time i actually find a fime for myself. I can think about what i feel, about what i love, about what i need. Besides that time i am busy trying to people around me happy and act like i am happy too, because i am lonely. I know that i have fun when i am with people. Don't get me wrong. I have fun also when i am on my own, but i never escape time with people. I know how bad i can represent myself at that time but i just want to know that someone can accept me the way i am. It is worth. Believe me.

I have to cry, i have to feel. I have to speak up with my emotions, feelings. That way i also realise that others have feelings. I like to connect with people deeper. I also need my personal space. 

I made a mistake. I thought too much about success. Because what i was doing now, had to bring me to success. What success would bring me: Happiness, money, time, reputation, selfworth, friends, followers, who adore me, who appretiate me.

Was i like this before i moved to Germany, or i became like this because everyone around me was like that. Or i needed to feel appreciated. Because i did something big, i shouldn't be looked like nothing, like noone, like worthless, who cant do anything. I lost my selfworth. I had to integrate, but i see? As i knew that the word integration wasn't that i also tried to be that, just to be accepted. Fuck you all. I don't want to be accepted. I have never been. There is just only one place i can tell is my home. I can't find another home. I can't become something else. I am person not like everyone else, who becomes the same where he goes. No, i can't change so easily. You should have really good abilities or just to have luck. No, i am not changing. I should not be like you. I should not depend from what u think and define as success. This is why i am different. I forgot how to be proud because i am different. 

When i moved, i remember, for a while i didnt cry, then i cried a lot. I cried about everything. Then i stoped. Then i started again. 

Success is not what a book writes about you, it is also not what others know about you. Success is not how much money you have. Success is not how many books u have read. Success is not having a good job, Success is not earning a lot. Success is educating yourself, finding yourself and following your desires, success is finding love, success is leading a happy life, success is leading a peaceful life. Success is what u see. if you are proud of what u have done and you thing you have done the best you could do it this situation. This is success.

I have dreams, i have a lot of dreams, and i always believed that my dreams are better than the reality, reality sucks and is not worth investing a lot in people. But i have been wrong. Dreams are good when you struggle with real life, when you  cant handle it anymore, when u want to give up, when you don't believe anyone.

Success is when someone starts to value you and your work. But only after you believe it is worth and it is special. 

I think i was let down by many people. I can't trust anyone, i can't open my heart. I can't speak what i feel, because i have experienced that when i do it, people run away,  they don't want to listen. Because they start to see me like someone down from them. 

I have experienced bad things not only from my friends but also from