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I sat quietly on my bed, scrolling through endless real estate apps in search of the perfect home for Zayn and I. We had a few shows left until the tour was over and we had yet to find a place to settle down when everything concluded. It's been awkward to say the least. The guys are skating on thin ice with each other, me included. We're all trying to appreciate the short amount of time we have left before Zayn and I say our farewells.
Louis and I haven't been the same since his outburst. Our relationship isn't as playful as it used to be. We're civil but we rarely speak or look at each other, frankly. I mainly spend my time with Zayn and Harry. I do miss Lou though but he needs his space from me it seems.
As for Niall... he's distant. I can tell he's upset with me, angry even. I mean, I can understand how hard it must be to lose two people you love in one foul swoop. We haven't talked much since the initial announcement Zayn made a few weeks back. Similar to my situation with Lou, Niall and I are somewhat civil. I'm too tired to argue, too exhausted to cry anymore. Every day is filled with emptiness, nausea and regret. It's like I'm constantly thinking, "Well what if I changed this action or this one, would it change anything? Or would everything be exactly the way it is right now?"
I just want to be on my own at this point. I'm tired of being babysat. My body is filled with this hatred for myself all stemming from the regret I feel for what I tried to do to myself. Over what? A boy? Jealousy? It's all so dumb and I wish I saw it from this perspective months ago. Now I can't even use a knife without Liam watching me out of the corner of his eye. This band is a bunch of young adults who have been forced to care for me like I'm their child and that's not right. They should be enjoying this adventure they've been given, not babysitting me out of fear.
My eyes began to water due to dryness, I had been staring at my phone screen for hours now. With no luck on my house hunt, I decided to stretch my legs by walking up and down the bus. I wasn't allowed to leave unless it was early morning or late at night to prevent people from recognizing me via Zayn's orders. I usually remained hidden in my bunk with the curtain closed or curled up on the couch when the cabin was empty. I had assumed the bus was vacant due to the dead silence so I made my way to the kitchen.
My heart dropped when I spotted Niall leaning against the counter serenely, a carton of icing sat in his right hand, a spoon in his left. His eyes widened at the sight of me and I froze.
"Sorry, I'll just go back to my bunk." I mumbled, turning on my heel to hightail it out of there.
"Wait." Niall ordered from behind me. "Do you want some? I know you love frosting, look we don't even have to speak to each other. Just hang out with me, I have never felt so lonely."
Words just kept flying out of his mouth like vomit, obviously trying to skate on thin ice. And as much as I despised Niall, I couldn't help but agree with him. The clanking of silverware was heard and he quickly offered me a spoon to dig in. I gently accepted the spoon and made my way over to the counter adjacent to him, hopping on it to sit. I unlocked my phone and started my playlist. Music was better than awkward silence.
