emotion.

Expectations (1)

[All characters are works of fiction, and any resemblance to a character is purely by coincidence. When based off/refers to something/someone, will be clearly stated.]

Viewer discretion is advised (contains su*cidal thoughts, abuse) Disclaimer: I am not in any way encouraging these activities.  

story status: begin

Everyone thought she was stupid. 

Perfect.

It meant that Jocelyn would never end up like her older sister, Tanny. She had never understood why Tanny was always so grumpy. The old her had been the most sweet, carefree soul. But when her senior year of high school had begun, that happy Tanny was nowhere to be seen. It had only been when she accidentally read her diary that she realized. 

3 years later, the tear-stained entries still haunted her. 

'I don't want to wake up anymore. Waking up means damned expectations and rules and people telling me how stupid I am and how ugly I am and how I can't get anything right.'

'How do they do it? I can't even bring myself to see tomorrow..'

'I want all this pain to stop.'

Even Jocelyn could tell what was going on. Tanny had been her role model since forever. She was always winning awards and performing super well. Because she was so amazing, everyone expected her to be perfect. Sometimes, she would wonder why Tanny didn't like that the whole world thought she was awesome. No one wants anyone to think they're incapable. Little Jocelyn wanted everyone to like her, after all. 

But as time passed, it came to her. 

Being good meant everyone thought you would always perform that well, and each time you succeeded, their expectations would just grow higher and higher. And one day, when you finally couldn't do it anymore, they would shake their heads at you and snicker, "Look at that incompetent freak."

You'd work your fingers bloody in order to satisfy their wants instead of yours. You'd put your blood, sweat and tears into your work. You'd obsess over every little detail until you were sure no one would insult you for it. But then they'd laugh at you, and tell you how lazy you were. And even your family members, the ones supposed to support you, would constantly compare your achievements to others. Tell you what a disgrace you were. How your classmate or your sibling or your friend was so much better than you.

Doing well could only lead to a ruthless cycle of pain and self-hate.

Jocelyn was fine with the mediocre grades she earned. Once upon a time, she used to try hard in school. Now, she scoffed at her younger self.

Like letters on a page could define my worth. How crazy.

Her parents might grumble and complain, but they would never think that their kid was exceptional, meaning she could just blend in the background. Of course, her sister threw fits when she realized her schemes.

"Stop it," Tanny pleaded with tears in her eyes. "Why are you doing this?"

"You know why."

"Jocelyn, you know perfectly well you're wasting your potential. You could be anything you wanted to be, a doctor or an athlete or a-"

"Tanny. If I am to achieve my dreams, I'm doing it on my own terms. Not anyone else's. Not if it means becoming all these things in order to be some damned 'perfect' clone."