Speak to Me

9-Background

~Phil's POV~

Why do bad things happen?

And when bad things happen, why does every fiber of one's being ache and ache and ache and feel like it's never going to get better?

I felt like i hated Dan. And I just might have. I hated that he made me fall for him. I hated that even though I saw how rude he was on the first day we met. I was still stupid enough to fall for him. But I didn't really hate him. I hated myself for not hating him. I fucking loved that boy so much and now he can never feel the same way. I'm an idiot.

I stayed home from school for the whole week. I wasn't up for school or people, or anything. I just wanted to "mope around" like my mum said I was doing. I didn't feel like I was moping. I firmly believe how I felt was appropiate to the situation at hand. I was broken, once again.

Once again...

I still remember the first time someone broke me. It was the day I stopped myself from talking. I can remember that day so clear.

~Flashback~

I stepped my way into the school. Looking around quickly as I dashed to my locker. There was this group of guys, if they saw me, they'd hurt me. No matter what. 

I grabbed my book quickly and turned squealing softly as I ran into the chest of one of the biggest tormentors I had. I stepped back quickly and looked up at him.

"What do you think you're doing fag?"  He growled shoving me back against the lockers. I let out a loud oof. Hitting the locker caused my breath to escape me.

"S-Sorry...." I stuttered out to him. My voice was small and quiet whenever I spoke to him. I was beyond terrifeid of what would happen if I even tried to speak up.

"What was that?" He said backing me into the lockers completely. He grabbed my shoulds as tightly as he could and grinned down at me.

"L-Let me go..." I begged to him pushing against his grip on me. I was quite small, and he wasn't, so it was near impossible to even get him to budge.

He laughed and shoved me down to the floor, "Yeah whatever, see you later gay boy," he said kicking me as I tried to sit up and walked away.

I sat up entirely once he lefft and gathered my things up that had fallen to the floor with me and quickly walked off to class. I was so utterly beyond done with this. I just couldn't handle these guys constantly beating on me and hurting me. I felt myself start to shut down.

I don't know why, but I linked all my problems to my speaking. If I wouldn't have said anything, they wouldn't be getting the glory out of watching me beg and plead for help.If I would just shut up they wouldn't get the joy out of watching me cower in fear.

It was all because I didn't know how to shut up.

So I decided from that moment on. I would just shut up.

That day at lunch when the guy came back with his friends. I didn't say anything. I just let them stand there and pick on me. Eventually they did however leave. Because they decided it was no fun without a reaction.

Eventually the constant beatings and constant name calling. Turned into just name calling. Then it went from name calling to being completely ignored. They left me alone. I thought I'd be happy then. But I still wasn't happy.

I came home that day. My mum greeted me, expecting me to return it as normal, but I didn't. I just sat down, pulled my bag out, and did my homework. No words left my mouth. 

My mother begged. I didn't speak.

I remembered how that continued on for a whole week before my mum called for me to go talk to a shrink.

Only I didn't talk. She did. But I didn't

The therapist explained to my mum what was going on. My mum knew about th bullying that happened to me at school. So she connected the pieces quickly. She had always been smart like that. She tried to get me to talk. I brought her to tears some days. She'd end up begging me, I just sat there wordless. I ended up crying too.

It was a hard time for both of us. Meeting Dan...I had come so completely close to talking. I remember feeling my voice straining to come out.

Something that I never mentioned to anyone however. Was how hard I was trying to get even a small sound to escape my lips..I sat in front of my mirror so many days in my room. Just trying to force myself to speak. I never got more than a small croak or squeak. But whenever something did come out. I worked from there. Trying again and again and again. I knew I was getting closer and closer to being able to maybe just maybe say one single word.

But what was the point now?

Everything I worked toward. I was doing to make Dan proud of me. But I didn't see a point anymore to make myself talk. I just should stay silent. Forever. Life would be easier that way. Wouldn't it..?

Maybe...

Just...I wanted to speak. I did...But I didn't want to give up the safety bubble I'd created. No one bugged me anymore. No one tried to come up and talk to me in public anymore. But I always needed my phone or a notebook with me so I could write out everything I had to say. It was a little exhausting when I looked back at it. If I tried to speak again, that would change.

But I was still scared of what would happen if I did talk again.

I let out a sigh and laid across my bed pulling the blanket around me again.. I didn't want the think anymore. Today was now Friday I believe. My week was starting to blur together from laying in bed the whole time. I heard my phone go off and I quiclkly grabbed it. PJ.

In precisely thirty-five minutes. I will be coming to get you. Get yourself ready and look nice, it's time you leave your bed. -PJ

I sighed and stood up. Not in the mood to go anywhere. But I knew how PJ was, if I didn't do this. He'd drag me anyways. So I decided finally to just skip the middle ground and go. I took a quick shower (it had been a while since the last one) and quickly got myself dressed in just a normal outfit of mine; t-shirt and jeans. I slowly walked from my room down the stairs. I heard a knock on the door and saw PJ standing there, "Oh look at that you got yourself ready and everything, my job got easier."

I rolled my eyes at him and slipped my shoes on stepping out. I looked up at him and raised a brow, hoping the question would get across.

"Well tonight I have been given specific instructions to bring you to a discreet location," PJ explained, "Don't ask too many questions we'll be late otherwise."

I bit my lip and nodded stepping down to PJ's car climbing into the passenger side and buckling up the seat belt. Hopefully there wasn't any funny business...

We drove for about fifteen minutes before we pulled up to the school. I looked over at PJ quickly and pulled my phone out quickly. "What are we doing here?" I typed out handing the phone to him.

"You've got a little scavenger hunt," PJ said, "Go to the main hallway, by the office, there should be an envelope on the floor, there'll be a clue there, figure it out, when the clues lead you somewhere that's not the school, I shall drive you, just tell me where."

I nodded and did as PJ had said slowly going into the school into the hallway where he had said, and picked up the first envelope laying there opening it up.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE CHEESY THEN I'M REALLY NOT SORRY OOPS. CAUSE I LOVE CHEESY AND IT'LL BE REAL CHEESY.

 JUDGE ME IDGAF

ANYWAAAAAAYS LIKE/COMMENT/FOLLOW ME

IT BOOST MY EGO (BECAUSE LORD KNOWS IT AIN'T BIG ENOUGH YET)

AND I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME CUTIES.