Far Too Much

Simula

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

I keep reminding myself as I fight with the nerves threatening to show. I held the cold figure in my trembling hands while I studied the roaring crowd.

I'm finally here..

"You, all, are the reason why I've made it this far. Maraming salamat po sa inyo." I kept my supposed speech short.

Hindi ko kaya.

It felt like everything was closing in on me. No matter how hard I tried to breath steadily, I couldn't. Hastily, I walked backstage and ignored everyone trying to get in my way.

When I finally reached a room, I locked myself inside and stared at this fucking trophy.

I chose this instead of her.

My grip tightened and my anger rose.

"Keno. Buksan mo 'to.." I heard my PA's muffled voice behind the door. I paid no attention.

The glass trophy in my hand just started shaking. Dahil sa galit, ay naitapon ko ito sa pader na nagpabasag nito. I wasn't breathing steady now. Taas baba ang aking dibdib na pilit hinahabol ang aking hininga. Nagbara ang aking lalamunan at tuluyan na akong nanghina.

Napabagsak ako sa sahig.

Don't cry, Keno.

You can't fucking cry.

Ngunit hindi nagkasundo ang aking puso't katawan sa aking utak. Worthless tears just started dropping and I couldn't do anything but pull at my hair and wipe the wet liquid every moment they fall. Paulit-ulit ko iyong ginawa hanggang sa may tumulong sa akin para tumayo.

A feminine hand held me up. And I refused to open my eyes because I know it's not her. I want it to be her. Please.

"Keno, please, 'wag ngayon. They're all waiting for you out there." Madeleine, my manager, softly said although I sense her annoyance.

Dumilat ako at lumayo. "I'll be there. Give me a minute."

I heard no response but the door shut.

I stared at myself in the mirror this room came with. Hindi ko na kilala kung sino itong nakikita ko. This Keno is dressed like a wealthy businessman. His appearance and aura screamed superiority. Pero ang mga mata niya, saan napunta ang sigla nito?

He's not the Keno I know anymore. No longer the regular Keno from Santa Marcela. No longer the happy province boy. No longer just simply dreaming.

The Keno now, the rich famous actor-singer who's loved by all, is the Keno I always wanted to be.

Nandito na siya. Naabot na niya ang kaniyang mga pangarap.

But I'm no longer truly me.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

I wiped worthless tears for the last time and smiled like how I practiced.

I deserve this.