felicity

Good things

I used to write. A lot. Where should I start? There was a man, who brought so much joy in my life. We always end up seeing each other in a bookstore which I don't mind. I mean, it doesn't matter as long as I'm with him. As long as I can spend my time looking at him. All the time we spent together, eventually pulled me into his interest; become mine. I read and I write.

Like other teenagers love stories, mine ended with a heartbreak too. I never see it coming because I thought everything was fine. Until one day he told me he wants to stop seeing me, which for a reason that I can't remember but I know it was ridiculous and doesn't make sense. Strangely, I can't cope with it. That is when I started to write. I write for him to read, to know how much it hurts me, to what extend does it break me. I want him to know that he don't deserve to make me go through all this. I want him to come back. I hope all the mourning would make him return. I cried days and night putting all my feels into words. I sent him paragraph. None of it make him come back.

Fast forward 12 months later, I'm still at the same spot where he left me. The feeling of betrayal, almost like new. The urge of turning back time, still visits me few times a day. Soon after that, I realize oh I need to stop writing. I need to stop reminiscing the times that has been gone. I don't want to be the only one who is stuck in the past. I need to stop confusing myself with the bitter reality and hopeless expectation that i made up on my own. That's it, I will stop writing all the shit he makes me feel.

First week was the hardest. At the back of the darkest spot of my mind, I'm still thinking about him. Or should I tell you, how my heart skipped a beat for mistakenly thought it was him when I was riding a train to go to work. I want to write about it so bad, but I hold myself. After few months, I'm getting used to keeping all thoughts to myself; don't write. I walked passed by the places we used to go, and keep all the thoughts to myself. How immature of me to think we could keep coming back there together, forever. I don't blame the innocent 18 years old girl, she don't know anything. I immediately shut the flashbacks and keep walking.

I distract myself with load of works. I still have the time to think of him but I guess it was out of habit. I will get better soon. When I write, it makes me believe that what I feel is real, my feelings for him still exist. While he is living out there just fine after discarded me out from his life, I can't afford to let myself to keep holding on to someone like him.

Getting to know someone new. They are none like you, at least I tried. I learnt that,
Love is not a tall slender guy, who likes to drink black coffee.
Love is not frantically searching for someone everywhere after knowing you have lost them.
Love is not desperately begging for someone to stay with you.
Love is to understand that person is coming with their past, but it doesn't matter because it is a part of them that makes them who they are today.
Love is knowing you are not good enough for anyone but you will keep trying to be better.
Love is making you believe you deserve to be treat properly, no matter how difficult you are.

Love is messy in real life, because
no one is free from doing mistake.

It has been around 5 years. Rough and tough. I decided to write again, slowly I pick myself back up. No one ever told me to but I want to do this, for me. Because once, it brings me joy. I stopped because it brings me despair. It still reminds me of you sometimes but it's okay, it's not painful like how they used to be.

I know you are not reading this but if only somehow you end up reading this which I don't think so, this one is for you. I'm at a better place now. I'm thankful for all the times you spent on me. You outgrow me from an immature, bitter, simple minded girl into a carefree woman. I couldn't tell you all these, but I hope you know that now I understand why you have to do all that and you actually don't owe me any longer explanations. You have all the right to save yourself from anything that cost you your peace. I don't regret anything about you. I am sorry for all the mean things I said to you. I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

I hope you wishes good things for me too.