It was all quiet in the bathroom, as I hid there from my family. I dug into my cereal, and all you could hear now was the sound of the spoon in the bowl of cereal, and my chewing. I unlocked my phone to check my Instagram feed, so many beautiful people. Wow, they can do make up so well! I'm a little bit jealous, if you compare me and them, oh hell no I would look like a piece of shit on which you put a wig on if I stood next to them. *sigh* Another day of being home, done nothing big today, well I went riding, baby-sitted my brother and watched Anime, and, oh yeah let's not forget about this one, compared myself to others.
So I literally was not alone at all, but it still felt like I was alone, *sigh* another one gone, another day gone that you can, and you will, never get back. You are supposes to do something as long, as you have the opportunity to do it, but still.
Why do I have those shitty feelings? Why do my feelings need to destroy everything? My family bond, my friendship and my life?Why do I need to feel like that?
Alone in the bathroom... Nostalgia comin' up, Throwback to before one year when I still was depressed, I mean, it's better now, isn't it? I think so, well it's different now. *sigh* here we go with another one, these are turning into more and more these lonely days. I want to be with somebody, but in the same time, I don't. I hate it, I hate me.
Yesterday I was going on a walk with my dog and the whole time I was crying. Nobody sees me, nobody will ever know about this, I hope so. Why do I even deal with this shit? I don't want to live anymore, It would be so easy, just jump in front of a car, easy. What Is my reason to still keep going? I don't want to hurt my family and friends with that. They would be sad, they would feel guilty because of not realising it. It's not their fault, it's mine. I'm the one who is guilty in this case, *sigh*, I'm not even counting anymore. My father or my mother would never understand me, I don't even understand myself, so how are they supposed to? *sigh*
Oh wow, this diary does not makes that much sense, I've never written a diary before so I don't know what I am supposed to write, heh.
My Name, is not important, My age, is old enough, Where do I live? Nowhere where I could ever be happy, what is my issue? Oh, heh, I don't know. I don't actually have one, but I just don't feel good, so, yea, that's about me. *sigh* Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? When I keep repeating that in my head, will I find an answer? I don't think so.
Once my father said that I should live in the real world, not in the Anime/Book world. I was so close to yell at him and say ,,Well, but the Fictional world would be so much better to live in. I would be an other person, maybe happy!!" He wouldn't understand, though.
I don't care if somebody hates me, I really don't do.
Don't show real emotions, neither positive or negative, have a mask that lets nobody look through, nobody, except for maybe that one person that will never require your love.
*sigh*
Really, life is complicating, isn't it?
But, Hey, at least I have these old friends from my life before some years who I haven't seen for so long, and only write with them, heh, very great.
*sigh* I think that's it for today, too much to write down for one day, tomorrow it will go on, well I think so.
😴✌️
