are we out of the woods? | h.s

ix

the rain continues on as my friend flips to the last page of the song, taking in the last few lines with the utmost consideration and care. she looks so focused, trying to understand my words of confusion. no one could understand it like i could, though.

"that..."

she bites her lip and lifts her eyes to me, and i could see the gears in her brain trying to work the ways mine did.

"what did you think?"

i finally decide to ask her a question, but i lower my head to look down at my nails instead of her face, which had chipped away a bit around the edges.

"it's nice to see you back into the writing mood."

i frown. her answer doesn't really respond to what i wished it would.

"no, what did you think of the song?"

she takes a moment to think about this. i start to worry that my decision to share the song with her had been the wrong one, and that i should have kept it to myself as i had for days and days. i should had let it burn into the pages of the book, and not another one's eyes. shit.

"it's... bittersweet."

she finally decides on the right word, and it fits the overall tone of the song. it fits the overall feelings that i had while writing it.

"that's life for you." i mumble. by the look on her face it might not have been her life i am describing, but definitely mine. my world had been washed out of color and life, faded into the shadows of what things used to be. at least there was still an outline of tint to keep me going.

"i'm glad you shared that with me though." she closes the book, smiling lightly. it is a pitiful smile. "i can see how everything's been for you now."

"mmm." i mumble, not knowing what else to say.

she sighs, knowing that i'm slipping into my own thoughts again. '"i'm sorry, el."

i take a moment to breathe, letting the air slide in to my lungs, float around for a second, and then let it escape through my nose as if it was in a cycle. el. that's what my boy called me. no one called me that but him, which was surprisingly. i wasn't prepared to hear it slip past her lips.

"i'm sorry too."

we were again swallowed by the silence of the room. i was now weighed down by the memories swept up from seeing the notebook and what it contained that my head was spinning in a way it hadn't in weeks, or even months maybe. i felt myself pulling back into the person i had become and only escaped from for a few moments today, the few moments that have only ever existed since my life practically ended.

"i-"

she tries to speak but pauses, her face dropping completely as she knitted her eyebrows together. her eyes have left my face and were watching the space behind me, through the blinds. she gets up and makes her way over to the window, and i move away from the edge of the bed so i didn't have to be so close to her. she was still so lively, so happy... she was like bane to me. 

"hey, ella?"

i look up at her, and her eyes hold a different sort of confusion than they previously had.

"you have weird neighbors."

she states bluntly, and now i'm the one who is confused.

"what?"

"one of your neighbors is just taking a stroll in the rain."

she points out the window and lets out a small laugh. i try my best to turn and peek through the blinds, but i'm too sore to lift my body to look through the spot she was looking through. i didn't need to see the neighbor, though. all i really could do was know was that they were in the same kind of mindset as me at the moment; an insane, corrupt one.

"sometimes i wish i had the courage to do that. just walk in the rain, not giving a shit." i say honestly, feeling my heart flutter a bit from the amount of honesty i was leaking out. my friend looks down at me and listens. "it would be nice."

"mhm." she agrees and makes her way back to the end of the bed, not really understanding what i was talking about.

i had always wanted to dance in the rain when i was young, and sometimes i would get so giddied up with energy to do so that i would run out into my backyard and let the rain soak me for a second. i didn't care if it was cold and if i became numb, the feeling of it falling onto my face and wetting me down like a soothing cloth was all i needed. it was the simpliest of things that made me feel so alive. it was like it was with love. i didn't need much to be happy.

i feel something hit my leg and i turn back to face her, grabbing the notebook she had placed in front of me. it felt so heavy in my hands as i pulled it up to my face; heavy with words, heavy with emotions. heavy with the weight of love for one, simple boy, who wasn't really that simple after all.

"now i'd best be going, actually." she grabs her purse from where she had placed it and grabbed her umbrella, that was dripping water onto my carpet for the last hour. i don't care. "i just felt like i needed to come and check up on you."

i frown and try my best to follow her, but again, no such luck.

"i'm not five years old, you know." i state as she twists open the door, my voice the loudest it has been all day. she sighs and glances over her shoulder, trying again to lift me up with that small, pathetic smile.

"i know. but to be honest, right now i feel like you're acting like one."

i have to keep my teeth clenched to keep from letting my jaw drop and tears stream down my face again. how dare she. i wasn't acting like a bloody five year old, i was twenty one years old. i wasn't pouting in the corner of the room during my "timeout" time. i had broken my heart into a million pieces and had to pick up each piece delicately to keep from cutting myself. i was in pain. i was in pain now, knowing that she didn't get the message from my song.

she didn't understand anything after all.

"i'll call you later and see if i need to drop by again aft-"

she was cut off quickly with the arising sound of thumps hitting against the front door downstairs. silence falls over us, our ears now perked. my face drains of any fleshy color and my legs become stiff against the matress, and i don't think i can get myself to move even if i want to. my friend peers down the hall and the stairs as the thumps come again with the same measure of volume, but not the same measure of distance. it almost sounds like knocking you would hear in horror movies, and i wasn't about to bring that fuckery into my life.

"are you expecting someone?"

she asks as calmly as she could to mask her surprise, becoming concerned from the look on my face and the sound coming from the door. she wouldn't have thought that anyone would be coming to see me, as she sees herself as my only caretaker. but neither had i.

"no." i say quietly, as the knocking came a third time.

sorry to leave you off at such a cliffhanger spot but whoa wtf who's at the door?? hope it's not a telemarketer...