are we out of the woods? | h.s

viii

~ Remember when we couldn't take the heat

I walked out and said, "I'm settin' you free,"

But the monsters turned out to be just trees

And when the sun came up, you were lookin' at me ~

i paced around the room, grabbing everything i could. i needed my shirts, my bras, my sweatpants, my jewelry, every piece of shit that i claimed. i needed to get out.

"harry, i can't do this."

i struggle to say without my nose running down the sides of my lips, or tears dripping down onto my shirt. the buildup of hate had gotten stronger, and harder to ignore. i couldn't handle this, feeling if i went out someone would get to me and hurt me in a way i wished would never happen. harry tried to help the best he could, but nothing he could do could stop them. stop this. stop everything. our relationship became one where i was kind of living day to day, wondering where it was going, if it was going to go anywhere, or if was going to end the very next day. the tension that strained on the necessary cords of our love and happiness was beginning to wear down on us. it was like you kind of never felt like you were standing on solid ground. and that kind of a feeling brought on excitement but also intense anxiety, and kind of a frantic wondering - wondering thoughts that contained endless questions.

"ella please, we don't have to make any sudden decisions right now. you're not yourself."

harry followed me around the room, looking over the spots that i had just cleared of my things. i could sense he didn't like it; that it made him nervous. it made me nervous too, but i couldn't stop. if i stopped, my hands would shake and my body would ache to start again. i needed to do this, for the both of us.

"i don't want you to this. i... i can't live like this," he points around to the emptiness. "i need you here with me. you need to be here with me. we need each other."

i stop grabbing a pair of my underwear off the floor and turn around to face him, his eyes becoming wide from my sudden movement. his eyes were dark with worry, and even darker thanks to the bags of worry that laid beneath them. he looked tired. we both were, dealing with the constant stress coming from fans and the media. no one seemed to like us together but ourselves, and that didn't seem like it would keep us together for very long. it wasn't enough.

"harry just stop alright?" i snapped, clenching the underwear in my hand the best i could. my fingers were numb.

he was silent for a moment as i went over to my suitcase, stuffing everything into every inch of space i had. i was ready to throw my stuff into the back of my car and just drive. drive away from the house i now shared with harry, drive away from the city i shared with harry, the experiences, the memories... everything that would haunt me forever. maybe it would be best if i drove my car into the ocean to really get away from it all.

"ella can you listen to me?" harry grabbed my hand and turned me around, and i was again face to face with him. tears now settled on the rims of his reddened eyes, and his hands were shaking like mine were an hour ago. "i know you feel you can't handle it, and that it hurts. that it feels like someone's wanting to kill you with every fucking thing they've got, and that you've lost all sense of self respect. i feel that way too. please ella, don't leave me."

i took a step back, his hand too weak to hold me to him. my mind screamed "no, no ella, don't make this mistake, it can't be undone, stop!", but my heart tugged me back to reality and the bleak future we had. at this moment, i needed to follow my heart, not my mind.

"ella-" harry began, trying to bargain with me again after i had started stuffing things back into my bag.

"harry please!" i screamed, my voice breaking through the silence that followed it. i couldn't listen to him anymore. every word he said, every sigh directed towards me, every blink, every movement made me feel the knife in my body was twisted and shoved in further. soon i was going to be covered in my own guilty blood, and not be able to wash it away.