i had to find you like that, ryan. i had to see you bleed into the water, empty pill boxes on the floor and blades scattered everywhere. i had to see that happen, and its all my fault. all of it, i cant take it back and i wish i could. why would i say i didnt love you. youre the love of my life, ry. i really hope i can tell you some point soon.
your dad didnt wake up, not when i tried to wake him up, not when the sirens were blaring outside your window, not when the paramedics came in and stormed your room, and i dont know how he couldnt be so proud of you. i dont know how he couldnt love you like hes meant to, not when you are who you are. youre smart and talented and loving and generous and everything anyone could ever want in a person.
and you tried to take it away from the world because of me.
the doctors tell me you drunk copious amounts of alcohol and you had cocaine in your blood.
where did you get it from?
they also tell me youre lucky i found you. i think so, too. but i also think if youd never met me you wouldnt even have tried to have done this. i couldnt have broken your heart if id never had held it in my hands.
and thats the hardest part of this all. not finding you like that, not watching them pump someone elses blood into your body and carbon into your stomach.
the hardest part of this is knowing its my fault.
and if id never held your heart in my hands, i never could have broken it.
YOU ARE READING
there are only 26 letters i can use
Fanfictionryan sends letters that brendon will never see. not until the end, not until ryan's free. you'll see the blossoming and the downfall of the relationship. heartbreak and love mixed into one. ☆short para☆ ☆lowercase intentional☆ ☆tw//sui, sh, ed☆
