(DanVid) 400,000 Danvids were harmed during the making of this fanfic.

Part 810

In the year 4567 of the Sarsaparilvid Calendar, the Mudsdales are at war against a new and terrifying threat. Their leaders -- Brann, Bloëa, and Bodinn -- built a great wall of ice and refrigerators to contain that threat from the frozen wastelands of the Northern Eh. For eight hundred and ten years, these sturdy equines guarded the frontier, allowing the clockheads and other fools of Galar to the south to prosper ... and then destroy themselves in a fitting flood of alcohol.

It is now the year of 5377. The Great White Corviknight -- the High Captain of the North -- has been intoxicated so much that he fell to his death, leaving the Mudsdales without a herald to keep an eye on the frozen north. By now, these horses have gotten themselves distracted from their duties by a new trend: Budweiser, the baleful poison of the Sunset Sea. So busy were they on their cheapened beer, that the strange northerners managed to tear down a piece of the Great Wall of Eh. Their enemies were no longer human, for they have now evolved into sapient potted plants. Each creature was a construct eager to avenge the lost cause of the trees, who were sacrificed to the Seven every winter as Yuletide decorations.

All that stood between them and the rest of Galar were three young Mudsbrays: Tom, Doe, and Jimmy. The trio of hoofed lads tried to warn the rest of the Guard, but they were instead welcomed with broken beer bottles and stones thrown at their faces.

"Alright, gentlemen," Tom twisted a dial at his right foreleg and raised it at the cold air, while his teammates did the same. "On the count of three, we shall expand in the Name of the Seven!"

As he was counting, a scythed chariot ridden by an angry bowl of man-eating orchids charged towards the three colts. Seven red stars shined in the overcast sky, firing their beams towards the colts' dials. The bowl of orchids raised their scimitars, ready to cut the equids apart, only to be trampled by the latter's hooves.

The stunned horde of plants charged towards the enormous horses, who slowly walked towards them as they smiled. Determined to try out his new powers, Tom raised his hoof at the air, creating a storm of lightning. Out of its bolts emerged a Daniel, who covered his bare body from the amused freaks below.

"By Xemüg," Daniel frowned and hid his crotch. "What is happening to me?"

The unamused steed turned towards the cowering human. "By the old gods, Arceus, and new," he frowned, "what in the seven hells did you just say about me, you little knave? I'll have you know that I've graduated in the top of my class in the Galarian Night's Watch, and I have put down 810 known Yuletide evergreens. I am trained in Ground-type warfare, and I'm one of just three of these sleeping, shameful knaves to keep a bleedin' eye on these accursed plants. You're nothing to me but a projectile from out of nowhere." He raised his hoof further back, dragging Daniel with him, and yelled at the northern horde. "I will wipe the deuce and cadareude sandstorm out of you weeds and vegetables, with precision the likes as none of you has ever seen on all of Galar, by Arceus." He spat at the furthest north, and went on. "You think you can manure-talk to me that easily through a hung Corvisquire on a bloody Friday evening, YOU PATHETIC GARDEN OF WASTRELS?! You'll wish that you were never germinated!"

Tom tossed the frightened blonde towards the ground: as the human screamed and cried, he curled into a ball, fearful that he might meet his final doom as a basketball in Xemüg's court with the rest of his unworthy servants. When Daniel crashed unto the ground, his impact sent a shockwave that swept throughout the whole north, sending the plant army scattered, crashed, and broken. By the time he got himself up on his feet, he tried to hide under a fallen log from the charging forest before him. All around him were fallen plants and scores of inebriated Mudsdales, the latter of which charged back at the potted plants after their hearty fill of scrumpy, vodka, and ethanol.

Before long, Daniel felt something drag his legs. As he struggled to break free from that grasp, a Mudsdale saw his face and his flailing arms.

"What the bloody hell are you?" the Pokemon slurred. "You look like a weed on fire!" Shortly after he finished, he swung Daniel to and fro, smashing several pots and breaking scores of wooden stems. "And it appears I have a better use for ya, ya soft twiggy lad!"

As the Mudsdale roared in laughter, Daniel vomited, burning a bowl of snapdragons that later burnt itself in terror. Although he was hurt and dizzy, he didn't even bleed, and then his head was transformed into an alarm clock. He picked up an axe and struck the Mudsdale's leg, causing the giant to release him as he hopped in pain.

Driven to fear and desperation, and unsure of his bizarre battlefield, Daniel snapped his neck and grinned.

"FOR XEMÜG, AND DAVEY!"

With a charge fuelled with lust and worry, the naked blonde shot into the horde. He sliced any florid warriors that stood in his way, and bit into their crusted faces.

"Davey!" Daniel snarled. "Where is my Davey?!"

When he saw a huge tree crowned with jack-o-lanterns roaring at him, he kept chopping its bark. After a while, he saw a David trapped within its xylem: like a rabid zombie he plucked the twigs out of his crush and hugged him tight.

Behind him, Tom was using a giant redwood as his guitar, and in one of his riffs he threw Daniel and his David into THE CHAOS BEYOND THE NORTH, WHERE THE MUTANTS AND THE BARBARIANS TORMENTED THEM FOR A THOUSAND AND FORTY-FIVE ARABIAN KNIGHTS!