melodramatic sheets.

wishing.

i love you so much.

my love for you is so powerful. it's back bending and electrifying enough to the point where you can feel it in your bones. it's that sense of love where i would do anything for you without hesitation as long as it benefited you in the best way.

it may sound wrong to say this but i wish i didn't love you as much.

not that kind where 'i wish i didn't fall for you because you hurt me terribly' love because although when you and your words did hurt me i still knew i loved you.

it's that i wish i didn't love you so much to the point where i started to stop loving myself. as i tried to fix you i ended up being broken myself. i constantly tried to save you from the stuff you were doing and saying to yourself, i kept warning you when really, those warnings should've been said to me of what was to come between us.

despite me being human and me having non-perfect flaws i grew to accept yours. all your feelings and thoughts i accepted them. when you told me about your wars within yourself i listened and tried to understand them completely and i tried so hard to side with you to help you win those wars. i may not have known what to say or do most of the time but i still tried to help you even when i couldn't win my own wars.

it's me trying not to do anything wrong and when i thought i did i took the fault every time even when it was your fault. i know that you told me to stop taking the fault all the time but i never listened. call me dumb but i did it to fix what was presented to us. i always did it to make sure we didn't have problems because with problems there was that possibility where i could lose you. which is too late now of course.

it was also me trying to always be there for her, always. i never told her i would always have my phone on me so i can answer right away when she texted me, me always making sure it had enough battery so we can have time for long phone calls, and me trying to make sure my words were able to comfort you when i couldn't. but it was also you ending up not calling me and telling me you couldn't tonight, i swear i tried not to let it phase me but it always did and it left me with wondering thoughts onto why not and who else has your attention.

i tried not to get jealous every time you mentioned someone else's name. i tried not to but i always ended up with that feeling while i was putting up a fake smile as i listened to the words you said. you always caught on though and i was never able to deny that feeling. some may think that i'm over exaggerating but with jealousy the feeling of being scared comes along. i was always scared you would look at me and see that i'm not what you want anymore. i let my insecurities get the best of me sometimes but it happens to the best of us. i made myself naked for you without knowing if you would still accept and love me the same.

i made myself vulnerable when i pushed my pride aside when i cried for you to pick me and for you to stay with me. i told myself once to never beg for someone to stay with me because if they wanted to stay they would and they would try not to do anything to jeopardize that and i also told myself to never be like my mom because she does that and more but that promise ended up being broken the second after i pleaded you. i cried to you to not walk out that door because i loved you too much. you gave me reasons to not stay and i shot back that despite them we can get through them together but you already made up your mind. once you made up your mind it was hard to change it.

i respect you and your feelings but my love for you started coming out. i wanted you to stay even when i knew you didn't want me. not anymore. you told me i deserve someone better but i know there will never be someone better. i still believe that. our love was powerful. it was everything i ever dreamed of and more and it ended up not being enough for you. you made me believe i wasn't enough for you and i won't be for anyone else.

from the start i wanted to be the one you wanted, that breath of fresh air even if it meant me not having any, that love you never received, and i wanted to make you happy. it tried so many times to believe that when you're happy i would be too because you deserve happiness but that was a lie. when you told me you were leaving so you can be better i wasn't happy. yes, i'm happy that you'll be able to be this outstanding person i always knew you could be but i am not happy.

i am not happy that you're going into the next chapter of your life without me. sometimes you have to let go of things that are ready to be let go of but i don't know how to if i'm not ready. maybe i'll never be ready. i keep clinging on to our memories and to the feelings up to the comfort that i am afraid i might never feel again with another person.

i love you so much. i have loved you against everything but you didn't feel the same back. so i will grow to accept it and maybe i will be okay. i know i was happy with you but maybe sometimes love won't be enough to make someone stay.