melodramatic sheets.

apologies.

in this life we mess up. it's just something we will do because we are not impeccable. we do something wrong and we are taught that saying sorry is the right thing to do. that it is the only thing you can say for something that you did wrong.

so i'm sorry.

i'm sorry i love you so much. my feelings for you affect me more than i'd like to admit. i think about you and it makes me still so happy but then i realize i shouldn't be thinking of you like that anymore. i shouldn't be thinking about your lips and how they would feel against mine right now. i shouldn't be thinking about how fast you made my heart beat when all i did was think of you. i shouldn't be wondering how you are and how your day went. i shouldn't be thinking about having you in my arms, rubbing your back, and me kissing your forehead while i remind you that everything will turn out to be okay because everything will turn out to be okay. just be patient and let time handle things for you.

i'm sorry i still buy things that remind me of you. cerise. that is your favorite color as i remember correctly. i ended up getting a nail polish that is your favorite color because it reminded me of you too much. i still buy poem books because the words the poets say are the ones that i can't tell you. i may not be a good writer myself but i would try my best to make you a book about how i felt about you and i did. now it's just collecting dust under my bed. i still get your favorite kind of ice cream, mint chocolate chip, because i still want to see why you like it so much. i still get and drink coffee because the coffee is the perfect shade of brown of your eyes and because you drank it all the time.

i'm sorry i still have your old stuff. i still have your hoodie on my bed because it's still the first thing I get to cuddle up to when i'm asleep or wear to stay warm. i feel like it's the closest thing i have to you. the closest thing i have left. i have all your letters in a little box in my closet that i still read every now and then because i won't get to hear you talk so sweet to me again. i still have your lucky pencil that you gave me. i use it whenever i have a big test hoping it will benefit me the way it did with you. i still have that small comic you drew for me. not only was it a little lame but i remember finally being able to hold something that you created just to make me smile. i still am able to recall how hard it made me smile and shake my head. i still have the first three bracelets you bought me. you may have forgotten about them but i certainly didn't. i see them every time i get because it's a reminder of how far we've come. i still have and wear the matching bracelets i bought for you and i because i knew how much it meant to me and how it will still continue to do so.

i'm sorry i keep writing about you. i once told you that you are my muse and with no surprise you were shocked at first but grew to get used to it. i wrote about you in ways that i won't be able to write about to another person. i wrote about how i found you exquisite while your hair was all over the place in a so called bun on top of your head. i wrote about our future and how happy we were going to be together with our dog in a place we were finally able to call our own. i made love poems and stories based on you. i wrote and wrote away about how maybe i finally got this love thing right and that i found the one i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. you still are my muse because here i am. still spending my time just to write about you.

i'm sorry that sometimes i let my stubbornness get in the way of things. as much as we would like to think that we were a great couple we did have those pointless arguments. i never let you win and you never let me win either and maybe that is how it worked between us, i'm not entirely sure. despite the fact that we did argue it never stopped me from telling you that i loved you. it still doesn't but we both know we can't bring up those words again to each other.

i'm sorry i tried too hard. people may like having the person they care about trying for them and to make things work. maybe i tried too hard. i made myself push away anything to make sure that we were okay.

i'm sorry i stood in the way of your happiness. you wanted to be freed and you made yourself be free. i tried to think that maybe it was something about me that you don't find worth sticking around for anymore. i convinced myself that i should try to make myself be the person you want in order for you to come back. i kept going and going while you told me to stop and that this is just simply something you don't need/want anymore. i'm sorry i tried to tie you down so you will be able to stay.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry but most of all i'm sorry you still can't see that i could've given you everything you ever needed and wanted. i could've been the one you needed all the time but turns out it's me the one who still needs you. i gave you so much of myself and i tried my best to keep you happy but you still were left blinded by other people's opinions about us.

i'm sorry that all of this wasn't enough for you. nah be along the way i'll meet someone who will see that this is more than enough for them or maybe you do end up seeing it and you'll come back. most of the time, the things in life are unexpected but maybe this was the expectation i tried so hard not to see.

i'm sorry but i still love you.