Grit | under construction

20.

Mabel's POV

I spent all day in my room crying. Trevor really had the nerve to come to school earlier, as if he did nothing wrong. On top of all of that, I found out that he's fucking twenty. Twenty!

I don't even know what to do. My mom would kill me if I explained any of this to her. She'd ask me what I was doing flirting with boys at a corner store, or why I was accepting rides from them at school.

I was going to be the laughing stalk of the school. Every one was gonna know me as the girl who got her man taken by a girl who was taken, or the sophomore who dated a grown man. Why does everything happen to me?

I sat on my bed, trying my hardest not to listen to the little voice in my head.

Just do it, you know you want to.

"No I don't" I whispered, as if I was actually talking to another person.

Do it. It's your fault yet again. You deserve the punishment. Bad girls get bad rewards.

"You're wrong" I whispered, "this isn't my fault. I was just getting bread at the store."

If you were just getting bread at the store, then why are you in this position now? Have you learned nothing? What happened to staying away from strangers? If you had done that, you wouldn't be where you are now.

The voice in my head seemed to be getting louder, and I felt like I was losing my mind. Along with the voice, I also started to hear a really annoying sound, similar to that of a dog whistle.

Come on, just do it. It never really hurt you. You'll be doing yourself a favor.

"How will I be doing myself a favor?" I asked. I really hope my mom wasn't nearby, because she'd probably think I'm crazy if she heard me.

This time I tried to have a little more resilience to the voice in my head. It wasn't gonna win so easily this time.

Just do it! Nobody's gonna know but you. What, are you too scared? Just like you were too scared to even try to get Bubba back. Just like you were too scared to stand up to Sami. Just like you were too scared to-

"Alright!" I yelled. I opened my eyes, as they had been squeezed shut this whole time. I realized that I was rocking back and forth, yanking on my hair. When I let go, a small chunk came out.

"I'm not scared" I whispered, with a clear crack in my voice. "I'm not scared of anything, nor will I ever be scared of anything."

"Mabel honey are you okay?" My mom asked as she knocked on my door, she must've heard me yell. "Yeah mami, I'm fine. Just dropped something, that's all" I replied.

My mom didn't say anything else. I could hear her footsteps fading, and then I could hear her descending down the stairs.

So are you gonna do it? Or do I have to keep on harassing you? You have no choice.

"I'll do it" I whimpered. "Please, please just leave me alone" I said as I got up to go get my razor. My body was trembling, and my stomach was churning.

I took out my razor and pulled up my sleeve. My scars were still very visible, and if I kept this up, they'd never heal.

Do it!

I gulped as I put the sharpest corner of the razor against my arm. Why was it so hard for me this time around? Why was I struggling to do something that I've done effortlessly before?

You won't be able to sleep until you do it. You won't feel like eating until you do it. You won't feel like-

I put all my force into the razor as I ran it down my arm. It hurt like hell, probably the worst cut I've ever given myself. But, it became a lot easier after the first slice.

See? Was that so bad?

"No" I whispered as I looked down at my arm, tears falling from my face. A smile formed on my face, was there something wrong with me?

Suddenly, my phone started ringing. "Joshua?" I asked myself, "what does he want?"