Clarissa's Suicide Note

That Marvelous Feeling When You don't Copy Homework on Time

Time: 10:35

I had you on my mind, then reality hit me like a baseball hitting a bat.

I didn't copy the homework.

I was so fucking busy wasting the precious time I have left of my life on you that I forgot to copy the homework. By now I had no time, thanks Julietta. I hope you were fucking elated that day. I'm sure I was. I grabbed Eliza's paper and I take it with me to Ms. Velma's class. She was by far the strictest teacher in the school. She gave you no chances, would make fun of you for not knowing the answers, and she also gave thousand page packets. One of them which I was supposed to copy off of Eliza. I didn't, so thanks. Now it's just another problem I had to worry about. Another waste of my precious time, another moment of my life wasted away when I should have been crossing things out on my "bucket list" how everyone calls it. Nope, instead I just kept on doing my homework and kept on stressing about the same shit over and over again.

Shit. 

I came to the realization that my dad is picking me up today.  I have an abusive father, and I was absolutely terrified of him. I'm going to get beaten if he founds out I didn't do my homework.. He's going to double beat me if he finds out i'm making a C in my science class.. Haha. Whatever.

It's not like i'm going to be alive for much longer, so he can beat me all he wants. It's all going to end the same way, with my blood on the walls of his three story home. Oh yeah, by the way, my father is rich. He bathes in money, yet he does not pay for my child support and fails to even pay attention to the fact that he has a daughter. Isn't it kind of daunting how someone can give life to someone, only to completely disregard the fact that they exist? Doesn't that just make you feel so completely and utterly useless? 

What do you think it feels like knowing you were literally sucking the life out of your mother only to not have either of your parents care about you in the end? What must it feel like to have guardians that only care about how much of a burden you are and that only tell you that you're in their way? I wonder if you know what it feels like to be a mistake. Because that is what I am, truly. Or maybe... Maybe i'm not the mistake.

Maybe.. everyone else is. The world is so cruel and so mean, and I try to be so nice I really do. So why? If there is a forsaken God out there, why the hell would he make MY life a living hell? Why ME? Am I that special? Was I born with so much evil inside me that I have to spend the rest of my life in hell in order to atone for my past life sins? or maybe even my parents? I hate these thoughts and I hate these feelings and you can realize that i'm getting off track now because I think these things so often and it all leads to nothing. I've realized, everything leads to nothing. Love, eventually will lead to nothing. Life, leads to nothing. So what do we have to rely on? If all things die then what's the point of living? What's the point of making memories if all we do is forget? What's the point of loving someone so much when all they're going to do is hate you in the end? It's driving me crazy. I want answers.. I need answers.

I'm no longer going to apologize for expressing my feelings. It doesn't matter to me at this point if you read this journal, because i'm dead. Soon, i'll be physically dead. 

Whatever. Go on.