A Beautiful & Painful Love || MewGulf

- 𝒾𝓃 𝓌𝒽𝒾𝒸𝒽 𝒽𝑒 𝓌𝒾𝓈𝒽𝑒𝒹 𝒽𝑒 𝒽𝒶𝒹 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌𝓃 𝓈𝑜𝑜𝓃𝑒𝓇

Knees going weak, Mew had to have a seat. What had he just read?

Having learnt of Gulf's death was shocking and painful. It was too sudden. Just a few days ago, they had had an Instagram Live, talking, smiling and laughing. Gulf's death was unfortunate. Hanahaki Disease is truly a cruel way to die. Mew could not believe that his co-star's death was due to unrequited love.

Knowing of Gulf's unfortunate death was one thing. But knowing the cause of his co-partner's death to be on him was a whole other thing entirely.

A year ago, he had promised to care and protect the young man, guiding him through the entertainment industry. The young man had been so honest with his opinions which had shocked Mew till this day. Too bad his past had prevented him from opening himself up and letting the young man in. And too bad his past had prevented him from seeing what was clearly in front of him.

How could he have not known that there was something wrong with his co-partner, his Yai Nong? How was he so blind to not have noticed the warning signs? He had always been good at caring and reading his Nong despite keeping himself from the young man at an arm's length. How was his Nong able to hide such a huge secret from him?

Was this the reason he had felt a sudden change in Gulf a few months back? When Gulf had broken up with his then-girlfriend, Mew was aware of it. Of course, he was. How could he not when the press had kept pressing the young man for every single detail.

The day of the Watsons event, he could tell the young man was drained from having had to explain about his failed relationship to the press. Mew had been reluctant to comfort the young man. But seeing how drained the Nong had been, he decided to screw it all and comfort the Nong, it was even caught on tape.

Ever since that day, Mew could feel that he was not the only one distancing himself. Gulf too was distancing himself from Mew. During events, Gulf remained professional, following the script, doing impromptu pick-up lines. Behind the curtains, Gulf used to flirt with him which Mew blatantly ignored. But somehow, along the way, the pick-up lines started to decrease till one day, it just stopped.

The sudden change had irked him but he thought nothing of it. He was glad the Nong had finally given up and maybe realized that the flirting had all been due to the young man's inner Type. They had both invested their all into becoming their versions of Tharn and Type. It was only reasonable for their thoughts and feelings to be mixed up.

"I love you na." Those words had been ringing in his ear ever since the Nong had said it publicly during their Instagram Live. Never once had the Nong said such words to him for fan-service. It had shocked him, Mew wouldn't lie. But yet again, he had brushed it off as another fan-service that the Nong had decided to do.

If only he had known the truth sooner, his Yai Nong would still be here alive and breathing. Even if he could not have learnt to love the young man, he could have probably gotten the young man to agree and follow through with the surgery. Maybe if he had listened to those around him, telling him to let his guard down and accept Gulf as more than a co-partner, he could have requited the young man's love.

If only... So many "ifs", yet nothing can bring his Yai Nong back to life.

With tears running down his face, he felt sorry, so sorry. Sorry for Gulf. Sorry for himself. Sorry for everything and everyone.

"Yai Nong, how could you do this to Phi? Why did you keep it all in? Why did you accept death? Nong, why? Why did you fall for me? Why did you fall for someone as stubborn and selfish like me? Just why? What did you see in me, Nong?" So many questions, yet all will remain unanswered for as long as he lives.

Mew's unable to see the reason behind Gulf's love for him. How could someone love him so deeply to so willingly accept death when he was struggling to see his worth?

Mew knew that Gulf's letter was not intended to hurt or blame him. But Mew could not help it, it was his fault, his responsibility for not understanding his Nong better. There was a possibility that he could have prevented his Nong's death if he had known of Gulf's true feelings.

If only he had known the truth.

Four months into Gulf's death, Mew still kept the young man's letter with him, finding a permanent space on his bedside table. He'd read it almost every night before bed to remind himself of what he could have had and reminding himself that someone had loved him enough to pick death as an option.

He still wished he could turn back time and make things right again. The past few months had been a lot lonelier than Mew would like to admit. Some days, he'd find himself crying alone at night when the demons come to haunt him. He still struggles to forgive himself.

Mew continues to blame himself for having been a coward throughout the time he had known Gulf. He succeeded in protecting himself but failed to keep his promise. He failed to protect Gulf, his Yai Nong, the man he had promised to protect. He succeeded in protecting himself from falling head over heels again but failed to protect Gulf from himself.

Though he remains to blame himself till this day, Mew surely is trying to forgive himself slowly. He too tries to see what Gulf had seen in him. He tries to be less harsh on himself and accept who he is as a person. But he still wishes he could have done something, anything to prevent such a tragedy from happening.

"Yai Nong, I had failed you in this lifetime. I had failed to keep my promise. Today, I promise you, we will meet again. We will find each other in our next lifetime together. I'll be waiting for you, Yai Nong."

If only he could turn back time, he would.

For now, he could only hope for the day they meet again.

Author's Note
— and that's the end!

this is for all who's been asking to read about Mew's reaction to the letter. i really hope it was okay. i tried to write it as best as i could.