Hide & Seek

Dying

I thought about dying. I had thought about dying particularly my entire life with self adjusting formula preparing for the ultimate, if you call the age of seventeen self realising point that the most momentous episode of life is gone.
I thought about dying since I was eight.

From the moment cardiologist Dr. Mehta looked direct in my fathers eye as though the eye contact would make it more real and seemingly pressing against all the natural calamities coming the way, and said these precise words; "Her heart is very weak."

My childhood pretty much, to my remostrance and my parents agitation, had been a vacation- to hostpitals and a different one every few months. Sometimes much winsome with white walls, clean corridors, smiling nurses; sometime old-dale, senile, gruff nurses and worn out curtains; and sometimes immemorial like the healing house in korean classic dramas. Yes. Its so old, I cannot think of anything else.

Anyway, the idea of dying had become a part of my every day life to a fundamental extent, like a wardrobe assessment or songs preferences, because it had to come some day, sooner or later and it did. Though, by then, BOOM! I'm not dying anymore.

The medications, at every ping of my heart rating watch, mostly, which kept me going for years had to had an effect and The Santorium For Eternal Disease after hundreds of denial found a match to my rare one.

The reality hit, like a burst of wholesome unrequited jolting fiddlings; some secrets, some mystries, after the surgery when we moved back to our hometown and the main consequential part; habituating was knackering. I mean, what do you do after knowing your entire childhood you woud die some day, so why bother dreaming a future, studying your ass off and making connections with the world you would check-out one day and now you are not dying anymore, lest it be a natural cause.

So, the first thing on my To-do list comprised was to dream, for a future ofcourse, study and make friends.
Wow. Literally. Heads off to my parents.

Like really, they had just said-
Baba: Shona, why don't you go to the library or the park, you know, make friends?
Who make friends at the age of sixteen?? We alrady have them!!
Maa: Illu, you should study hard. There's a competition out there.
Like I don't know it. You Keep reminding me Mother. Like, every ten seconds!
Dev: Wanna to hang out with my friends?
Okay, deep breath here. This is utterly humiliating. Little brother, what am I? 13? No! And belive me I'm not interested in Power Ranger and pack of Cheetos with whooping kids eveytime the red ranger kills a monster!

They really were not seeing the depth here, which was to my knowledge, a void. Deep, black and empty.

Seriously, how do you go back to the world you have been isolated from for ten years? How? Well, my family were not helping and the only one with a pretty self sufficient ideas was Reya. Uninvited though, and annoying.