"Fuck its coming back"
i said to myself as my back slouched against the balcony wall of my apartment.
I held up my phone and Swiped the screen downwards to see the time,
Its 8:46pm on a Sunday night. Meh im not going to work tomorrow. Despite having a ton of stuff i need to attend at work, i took the gamble and signed for an annual leave just for one day. Work was ok.
I thought about it again.
Work was not ok.
In fact, i was beginning to feel discouraged to go to work.
I glanced over to the rows of windows and balconies opposite of my unit. Most of them filled with white or yellow light.
I didnt know what to think.
I gazed into my phone screen ever so long. If i see myself in the mirrow now, im very sure my eyes are dead.
I strongly believe my values are placed on my effort and results of my work.
Your mental state during or after the process is Irrelevant.
True, in any typical work field, its the results of your effort that counts.
It does not matter how u feel, it doesn't matter either what you think of or what your values are
Just make sure the job assigned to you is done and all is well.
I believe that's the reality of the world
Therefore, these thoughts i am having right now are irrelevant
The feelings that these throughs are causing are irrelevant
This pain im experiencing is not real
Mental disorder is not real
My feelings, they're not real (?)
[ Day ?? of living by myself, no one is checking up on me yet. Im actually lonely. I snickered. How pathetic.
And as more days go by, i can feel myself slowly sliding down the slope i had hoped to never fall into again.
But i just can't stop myself from going there again. Im tired. Im fucking tired. But sleep can't save this time around
