Now That I Know

I.

"I will tell you I love you

But the muffs on your ears will cater your fears" /T.O.P/

~ㅇ•*°^∆^°*•ㅇ~

"It's all the same story"

''You're good?'' I heard Jaehyun's voice. No, I'm not. I'm afraid. I'm scared of them I don't want to face all of them right now. I wanted to do it slower. Like, I'd speak to Jeno first, who'd embrace me in his tight hug and wouldn't say a word, he already knew everything. And then probably Chenle who surely wouldn't be able to wait longer and then Renjun who'd scold me that I didn't tell him sooner. Then Jisung who probably wouldn't even realise that I got back. After that, I'd call Mark and we'd talk like I didn't even lack in anything. He'd say that he was glad that I came back and that they missed me.

I didn't realize I didn't answer to Jaehyun just now that he looked back at me from the passenger seat. He seemed okay with my long silence, didn't push it and I was grateful for that. He insisted to come with me since I seemed so stressed, but he sat in the passenger seat in order not to bother me with sitting next to me and making me feel I have to speak with him. I was glad for that too.

''Yeah, I'll be good'' I lied and smiled at him ''I have to be'' I didn't feel good at all but somehow, I had to do it. I looked out from the car's window and tried to distract my thoughts and fix my eyes from time to time on a tree or flowers or the clouds or a bird in the sky, which was already coloured by the sundown's paintbrush. They were fixed.

Solidly existing.

That was that I was lacking the most these days – steadiness.

''Keep calm kid, you can do it. Don't forget, they are waiting for you. They're happy to get you back'' Jaehyun said as he gave me my suitcase and pillow, in front of the dorm. Looking at this place gave me goosebumps. I couldn't figure out yet, if it was good or bad. I was just... shaking inside.

''Yeah, thank you'' I said bluntly then waved to the man sitting in the driver's seat, waiting for Jaehyun, he waved back with a sympathetic look. And I headed to the entrance.

I waited long minutes to finally have the courage to ring the bell. I tried to calm my heart and my pulse down. It didn't succeed and I already had a stomach-ache from the anxiety, so I decided to push myself forward before I'd totally lose my consciousness. I pressed the bell noticing it with clenched eyes that it really rang inside. I heard a loud thud and then quiet steps towards me. And then silence. I waited. I figured it'll be Jeno and wondered whether he was taking his time for the exact same feeling as me or for another, rather more inconvenient feeling – that he didn't want to open the door, but he knew he had to at the end.

I was black-hearted, I knew.

''Hey...'' he said as he opened the door and I could see as real merriment made its way on his face. I smiled wide and a little weight fell from my chest. As I saw Jeno smiling for me, only for me, happiness braced me. ''... You're back!" he said calmly, hurriedly stepping out and hugging me tight to his body, never stopping patting my back with his hands. My head fell on his shoulder and I hugged him strongly. ''I am'' I whispered.

Suddenly guilt washed over me. I never intended to go away for so long, and now I wanted to stay with him, with them. I felt... I knew Jeno missed me, he counted on me. I couldn't make it last time and now he wanted to protect me. He was afraid I'll go again. I didn't want him to feel like that because of me.