Now That I Know

III.

~ㅇ•*°^∆^°*•ㅇ~

„I won't live in this confusion

Now in order to find my answer

I'm gonna make it right run run run run"

This is only the third day after my "comeback" and I already made Jeno question my mental stability, Mark worry about my dying motivation and Donghyuck, well, hate me more. Now as I was showering with almost uncomfortably warm water and wanted to clear my thoughts and put my mind to rest, I decided that I was terrified with the letter one. It freaked me out quite frankly. I didn't know when and how I would have to face and speak with Donghyuck. But I happily noticed that I worried less about the former two, since they pretty solved themselves in the action. And honestly, I started to feel that I shouldn't have even worried so much about them.

Something moved in me especially since Mark spoke with me, that what I feel is okay and it is normal to be afraid or nervous I just shouldn't let it take over me because it won't help. Everything will happen in its own way anyway so I shouldn't stress myself so hard to figure out solutions. But something still didn't click. 

What should I do then?

 What can I do to replace the gap I made by pulling out the huge weight of anxiety?

I jolted as I heard a knock on the door. "Yeah?" I shouted.

"Can I come in?" I heard the voice I didn't want to. Donghyuck knocked again, waiting for my answer. "What do you want?" I asked shakily. Gosh, when did I become so mistrustful?

"What do you mean?" He laughed softly in disbelief. "I want to take a pee, so please be kind and let me in!" he demanded still laughing but I heard slight disappointment in his voice. I understood. I too didn't like how I behaved with him, but I was afraid of getting rejected as a friend or treated coldly so instead I tried to avoid every possible situation. Since I didn't want to pull the last strings of his nerves, I didn't ask him to go to an other bathroom.

"Come in" I said and pulled the shower curtain over to cover me. I listened as he stepped in, closing the door, slowly going to the toilet and peeing. I rolled my eyes as I heard him dragging the time with it – sprinkling slowly. Very Lee Donghyuck.

"Gosh, it's so hot in here, how can you shower with that water?!" he exclaimed with huge roller coasters in his tone. I'd almost laugh at him but the cramp in my stomach didn't let me so I just closed my eyes painfully. I finished with my shower and waited till he washed his hands and... and he didn't go out. 

I didn't want to seem prude or annoyed, so I didn't say a word yet. I wrapped myself in my towel – to which I said thanks in my mind for being near to me – and pulled out the curtain. There he sat on the top of the washing machine with his legs swinging and he himself looking at his hands in his lazy light-heartedness. I scoffed mentally but I voiced my thoughts otherwise.

"Sorry, can you please go out... I finished" he looked at me and grinned mockingly. "No, I'd like to stay. To talk with you..." he said simply and kindly, looking at his hands again. I, again, should have smiled or laughed at this but the pressure on my chest didn't let me and I got suddenly very angry at him. Why couldn't he understand that I was stressed because of him? That I hated myself in his presence?

"Well, but I don't...and I have to dress up" I stated, and his eyes shot at me and he opened his mouth, but nothing came out. The boy slowly slid down from the machine and walked out without saying a word. I knew I hurt him because I hurt myself with my words too, but I couldn't help it. I finally admitted that my fear was bigger than my will for staying conscious and reasonable.