6/27/19 3:07 am
(the names are not the names of the real people)
i feel worthless.
i feel like i'll be alone forever.
why does no one pay attention to me?
i feel like i should just kill myself.
no i'm not a selfish bitch.
i do have a good life.
i have everything i want and need.
but i feel empty.
i feel like nobody loves me.
yeah yeah my parents and family do. they don't have a choice.
scratch that. my mom, dad, sisters, and a couple of my cousins love me.
i guess my granny does too but she doesn't act like it.
uncle T loves me too but i rarely see him.
auntie L? that woman is incapable of loving until you on ya deathbed.
how can you talk about your family and still have the nerve to ask for money?
gets it from her mom.
i wish my granny N never died. i would be happy.
i miss her so much.
i can't remember anything about her. life was better when she was here. she would hold me and tell me everything is alright, jus like she used to do with my mom.
my dads mom only does that when we have to apologize to each other after a huge argument.
i'm chasing love tho.
i need affection.
it hurts to see everyone has someone and i jus have myself.
the way i feel about Alyssa is kind of pathetic.
she told me she doesn't like me.
i can't get over her.
she just makes me feel some type of way.
i wish i had my razors.
i want to feel pain.
i hate smiling.
i hate laughing.
it's all lies.
i hate my head.
so many things i think.
i wish i knew my moms dad.
i wonder if he's a cool guy.
my mom wonders that too.
i wish my dad was a cool guy.
he used to be.
now he just drinks and smokes again. when he stopped he was fun.
we spent time together as a family. now it's hard to even be around him for longer than 20 minutes.
he still hasn't given me my tv back.
i guess my grades weren't enough. nothing i do is enough for him.
i want to leave.
i want to feel loved.
i want someone to hold me at night and tell me i'm beautiful.
no one tells me i'm beautiful except for my family.
speaking of family, it feels like i barely have any.
my moms side of the family forgets we exist.
that's another reason i miss my granny deedee.
she was the only reason they remember me and my mom.
now she's gone.
we go out there for thanksgiving but i'm always alone.
my cousins separate themselves. Lina, Taty, and Aaliyah leave. Armon is mean.
Kiana is barely there. Harley is the only one that talks to me.
and that's only when thanksgiving is at her house.
i don't like being alone.
my cousins isolate me out of the picture.
they act like i don't exist.
i guess i'm not cool enough for the older ones.
even tho i'm older then Taty so it should be me instead of her.
and my dads side of the family? i barely know them.
i want a big family.
i want love.
why does no one pay attention to me? i'm not invisible.
people only use me for laughs.
i really like Alyssa.
she comes across my mind a lot.
i wish she felt the same about me. that would make me very happy.
i wish i had a fairytale life.
i'm tired of hurting.
why did Maxine leave me?
she was my sanctuary.
i could tell her anything.
i could cry to her.
stupid Michael.
i hope he dies.
he stole my best friend.
he took my happy person.
i can't talk to Gianna about the things i talked to Maxine about.
sara is no replacement.
i need Maxine back.
she has to come back.
i haven't been the same since she left me..
she promised she wasn't gonna leave me.
why did she lie?
she blew me off.
every time i wanted to play fortnite or something it was always "i can't i have plans with Michael" or "Michael came over,i can't video chat today".
she always chose Michael over me.
i wonder why Michael doesn't like me. i never did anything to him.
i don't deserve this pain.
Lizzy hurt me too.
she lead me on for so long.
if she didn't wanna date me that's all she had to say.
but no.
she tells me she feels the same, dates one of my closest friends, and continues dating other people while telling me she loves me.
what kinda twisted shit is that?
dumb ass females.
i thought she loved me.
that's why i let myself get dragged along.
but i realized that i didn't love her.
the way i felt about her could never compare to the way i feel about Alyssa.
that girl drives my heart crazy.
the way she laughs.
the random times she called me a crackhead.
her goofiness.
the facetime calls. sending me random photos and videos of herself being a dumbass.
she drives me insane.
she's beautiful.
i think she somewhat trusts me.
i wish she liked me.
i would make her feel beautiful.
i want to feel beautiful too.
i think Alyssa is incapable of liking someone so close to her.
it's okay though.
i guess i'll move on.
i don't know how though.
nobody pays attention to me.
i'm a nobody.
a joker.
only there for other people entertainment.
i need to go to sleep.
goodnight.
- 6/27/19 @ 3:07 am.
