-monophobia.

locked within myself.

As this pandemic persists, we have been confined to the walls of our homes, as for many people it's a source of warm comfort and a sense of safety, but for half the part- it's almost the opposite. It tears, crumbles and stitches you again just to ruin you once again. On one side where this lockdown establishes a new way to see the entire world, it also causes some people to feel tormented to the walls of agony.

The problem isn't the lockdown where you are trapped in your house, it becomes a problem when you feel trapped within yourself. Everything was going well at first, but then it struck me. Repeatedly feeling disconnected to the outer world and the inability to connect to myself without any source of distraction has me feeling like I couldn't breathe a lot of times.

It's at times like these when I make up assumptions in my mind that nobody really likes me, the feeling of loneliness creeps onto me till I am tearing all my hair apart, and then there's literally no one, just me struggling not due to being locked inside my house, but being locked within myself.

I feel like I have people each time I accomplish something, they all come up to me and tell me how amazing I did, but then I am left, all alone once again. And that gives me the time to self loathe myself once again, about what I could've done better. I reminisce about things I had no fault in whatsoever, and end up apologising to people no matter whether I think I was right or not just because 'I want to be on good terms, I'm the lowest life to ever exist so why on earth would people treat me nicely?'

It's just like internet has made the world smaller like they say, but sometimes it makes it a little too small. So small that many people go unnoticed, like pixels making up a digital drawing, and the concentration being on the bigger picture. It's like I have hundreds of people who I can call 'followers' but not even one follower I can trust enough to open up to. Internet has given me multiple friends but there's not even one person who I feel like I can rely on and share everything with.

I'd rather not blame it on the internet when it might be just me whose nature isn't good enough for people to like. I accept that I am very annoying, people can't stand my presence, I spread negativity- and all of that because I am selfish. I am selfish for the attention I had never been given as a girl who was way too uncool and talkative back in primary school. I am selfish for the appreciation I never received because the people around me expected too much from me. I am selfish for the positivity and comfort I yearn for when I feel like ending it all.

If you're someone reading this and have made it till the end, I heartily want to thank you. Please don't reply with long messages asking me to love myself. I've been long into this, and it might sound weird but I already know all of it. I know that I matter, I am well aware of that, if I wasn't, I would have rather died than sharing my problems as an attempt to gain comfort.

My only request to you is, if there have been times you have felt the same as me, please don't leave one person out of a group party/chit-chat you have been planning. It doesn't matter if the person has been rude to you, it might be that the person might be going through stuff. As a human, just do your job of being nice to a fellow being. I'm not asking you to lose your own self worth in the process, but please do your best that any person who you know doesn't feel lonely. If someone tries to connect to you, don't shake it off thinking it's the same annoying, uncool person. Try to talk to him/her, it might mean a lot to the other person. To that person, it might be someone providing them a solace in the darkest time of their lives.

This quarantine is about realising how we all are humans and are somehow reliant on each other for comfort. Try to connect as many people as possible and spread positivity. Who knows when you might be feeling anxious during some time, you get a message from a person who you look upto, telling you some funny joke which makes you smile from ear to ear!