Invisible

Chapter 4

**Trigger Warning. Description of Selfharm**

I woke up with a silent scream. My heart was racing and I was breathing heavily.
I grabbed my phone. 3.47 am. Great now I'll be awake for at least three more hours before anyone else will wake up. Sighing I turned around and tried to calm myself down a bit.
This was an awful dream. It was exactly how everything happend, it felt so real. Even the pain was exactly how I remembered it.
My eyes started to sting. I still could feel his hands roaming my body. The smell of his aftershave seemed to be coming out of now where.
An almost silent sob escaped my throat. Tears formed and streamed down my face.
I turned my face into the pillow as the sobs became louder. Waking up someone wouldn't help. They would probably be mad that I woke them.
Sobbing in my pillow I could hear him whisper.
'Hey sweety let's have some fun.'
I bawled my eyes out. Clutching to the pillow as if I was Shipwrecked in the ocean and this was to only way to survive.
At some point I had no more tears left and I calmed down a little bit. Another look on my phone told me that I cried for almost half an hour.
Pathetic.
Stop it please. I don't want to cry again.
Well stop being a baby and start growing up. Just accept the fact that you are an worthless, unloved, talentless, fat, useless waste of space.
I started to tear up again.
It's right. My own mind can't lie to me. So it has to be right.
Fat.
Useless.
Talentless.
Worthless.
Unloved.
Stop. All I wanted in this moment was the voices to stop.
I took my phone and looked at the time. 4.58. At least one and a half hour before someone gets up. Silent and slow I got up. I turned on the flashlight on my phone as I tiptoed towards the bathroom. As soon as I got in I locked the door.
There is a way to get rid of the voices. I know it. I did it before.
In complete silence I took out the blade from my razor as I sat down on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor.
I shouldn't do it. The promise I had given myself a few days ago when I had cut pretty deep and almost passed out came into my head.
But I need it. I really need it. Just this one time. Only on more time. It's not that bad. Afterwards I'll just never do it again. I vowed to myself.
My breath hitched as the cold blade touched my skin. The cold metal and the still bedwarm skin creating a big contrast. Slowly I pressed the sharp metal deeper into my skin and with that I teared my skin open.
The pain was short. I took the blade away and looked out the cut I created.
Red blood left the small injury I created and with the blood the voices faded.
I took a deep breath and once again pressed the blade against my skin. Releasing the breath I dragged the blade across my skin. Another cut.
Just in one more. Then the voices will be gone I thought to myself as I watched the blood slowly weeping down my arm.
I looked at my arm. Where could I do it without tearing old scars open. Then I found the perfect places. I took up the blade and cut.
I got up from the floor and got to the sink. Slowly I cleaned up the blade and put it back in the razor.
The blood was still streaming down my arm, when I took toilet paper and started to press it against the wound.
While the cuts started to stop bleeding I started to see spots, but at least the voices are gone.
At 5.38 I left the bathroom and went back to my bed. I felt numb. My emotions were gone with the voices.
If this was the only way to make those demons go away, I'll never feel again.
I layed down and started to play on my phone waiting for some one to tell me to get up.
6.08. Mom entered the room. "Lillian you have to get up." She looked surprised when she saw that I am already awake. "Morning Mom." I said while getting up and walking towards my dresser.
My outfit was a simple jeans, a longsleeved blouse and I decided to put on converse later on. I took out some of my bracelets and put them on to hide the scars across my wrists.
When I entered the bathroom at 6.39 to do my hair I felt guilty. I broke my promise. I did it again. Why was I so stupid? Why couldn't I resist?
Tears formed in my eyes.
"Hey can I come in. I need the big mirror to do my hair." Amy knocked.
I took a deep breath and released, then I put on a smile and unlocked the door.
Amy smiled at me. "Morning Lilly. How are you feeling?" "Morning. Good thanks for asking." I answered. While talking I avoided her gaze. Amy started doing her hair and I did the same. At least I tried.
My plan was doing a half up half down her style with a small bun. But I couldn't get it right.
After the third try I groaned. "Ah fuck. Why am I too stupid to do this?" Amy looked up.
She looked concerned, probably because of yesterday and she remembered how worked I got over not being able to solve math.
"Let me help you. You want half up half down with a bun right?" I nodded. She smiled and started doing my hair. Within five minutes I was ready to go.
"Thanks Amy. I love it." I showed her a genuine smile. She smiled back. "It's alright baby girl. Now get downstairs to grab something to eat before school." I nodded and went to the kitchen.
Instead of grabbing something to eat I got myself some water and started to drink it while listening to some music.
At 7.30 I got up and got my school back. I went to the car sat down in the passenger seat and waited for my mom to come and bring me to school.
"Nick is already at school and the other two are too sick to go. I will send one of the girls to get you later alright?" "Yeah its fine."
After the twenty minute drive we got to the school.
The first lessons were pretty good. English and Philosophy. My favourite lessons and also some of the subjects I get A's.
The teachers are good and fair. In English we are currently discussing a collection of Shakespeares Storys and in philosophy we talk about rights, freedom and civil disobedience.
After the first two lessons the first break came. Kayla, who had Philosophy with me, and I walked towards the bench where we were supposed to meet up with Lucy.
On our way to the bench Victoria and her friends walked up to us.
"Hey look the freak and her friend." Victoria pushed me towards the locker. "Just leave her alone." Kayla tried to get her off of me.
"What the hell? Don't touch me. You crazy bitch." Victoria made a disgusted face while two of her friends pulled Kayla away.
Victoria smirked and punched me in the stomach.
She striked out for the next attack and for the next attack. For the next five minutes she punched while I tried not to lose consciousness. Kayla struggeld in the grip of the two friends.
When they finally let go I sunk to the floor and was about to lose consciousness. Kayla immediately rushed to my side and tried to help me.
"It's okay Kay. I only have to more lessons today. Afterwards I can go home." I coughed.
She nodded concerned. "I go get Luce. Maybe she can get us some ice or bandages." I nodded.
She got up, went to get Lucy than the piercing sound of bells rang through the hallway.
I got up and slowly walked to my history classroom. I sat down, the next 45mins I didn't listen, didn't talk. I fully concentrated on the stinging pain in my stomach.
As the History lesson came to an end I packed my things and went to my math class.
Math is one of my bad courses. I don't understand it and am usually confused when we start to learn new things as I most of the time didn't get the things we learned before.
My math teacher or the worst teacher on this planet.
As soon as class started and we compared the homework he picked me to explain one of the hard questions.
I could tell him the answer but couldn't explain it to him, so he got mad with me and gave me a bunch of extra homework. But finally this class was finished and I limped towards the exit.
As I walked to the park lot I saw my older sister Amy leaning against her car. I tried to walk without limping towards her car.
"Hey Lil." She smiled when she saw me. But as soon as she saw that I wasn't walking properly she looked concerned. "Are you okay? Do you need to go to the doctor? What happened?" I smiled tired at her. "Ames I am fine. I fell down and I think I bended my ankle but that's all. No need to freak out. Can we go home? I think either Mom, Kath or Chris should know how to treat this foot." She nodded and we both got in the car.
"How was your day baby girl?" She smiled while looking in the side-view mirror.
"Fine I guess. My math teacher gave me tons of homework so that's great." I said while rolling my eyes.
"Why? Did you do something wrong?" "I couldn't explain the way I solved the question. I could only give him the answer not the explanation. And he got mad at me for that."
"Awww Lil. That's awful. Doesn't he know that you have problems in math?"
"He does but the only thing he cares about is humiliating me." I said and felt some years stinging in my eyes.
"He sounds like bad teacher. Do you want me or one of us to talk to Mom or the teacher directly?" Even though she was driving and fully concentrated on the road, as she didn't want to cause an accident, she quickly glanced at me, with concern in her eyes.
"No I am fine. It's only till the end of the year than I get new teachers." I flashed her a fake smile.
"Okay. I am glad baby girl. You know that I love you right?"
"I love you to Ames."
By now we arrived at home and Amy turned the car into the driveway.
"We're home." She smiled at me as she turned the car off. "And Lil ask one of us about your math stuff we can help you. Just talk to us about it." As we got out of the car and walked towards the door she side-hugged me.
"Let's get us a snack and then we will figure your math problems out."
Immediately I started to panic. I don't want to eat. Food will only make me fat. And then the others will pick on me even more.
"I am not really hungry Amy. I think I'm just going to do math now. And my other homeworks. An English essay and I have to read a text for philosophy and do two tasks for history so I'll be occupied for awhile now."
"Are you sure it's almost time for lunch. We could cook something maybe Kath want's to help and then get the other girls to eat lunch together."
I thought about it for a moment.
"I'll be down for lunch but I am gonna do my homework now."
"Okay baby girl. Call me if you need anything." I nodded and went upstairs to my room.
While I read the text for philosophy and did the tasks for history. I heard Kath and Amy talk in the Kitchen. They were laughing, talking and giggling.
"Guys. Lunch is ready." Kath yelled upstairs. With a sigh I got up. I took my math book and workbook downstairs with me.
As I entered the kitchen I saw Lisa and Lauren already sitting at the table. Amy, Kath and Christina were standing by the stove and discussing something.
"Lise can you help me with Math after lunch. I got a bunch of homework and I don't understand it."
She nodded. "Sure thing. Little one."
Christina sat down while Kath and Amy served Lunch.
"Thanks guys."
While my sisters talked about something I concentrated on cutting and rearranging the food on my plate while actually only eating a small bit of it.
Soon enough the others were finished and I was the only one who was still 'eating'.
"Your okay? Don't you like it?" Kath looked at me worried. I don't know what it is with my family, but as soon as the others heard the concern in Katherine's Voice they stopped talking and looked to me.
"I am fine. Just not really hungry. You know I don't usually have breakfast because I am always in rush and this morning I ate breakfast because I was up so early. So I don't really feel hungry now." Nice save Lil I thought to myself.
The others were convinced or at least they stopped starring at me like I would turn in to ashes if they would stop.
Only Lisa looked at me little bit longer but in the end she went back to talking with the others.
I got up and started to help Kath cleaning the table.
"If you get hungry later on just tell me. I'll fix something for you." She said while kissing me on my forehead.
"Sure thing. Thanks Kathy." "You know your the only one that calls me Kathy right?" I smiled her and nodded.
"Hey little one." I turned my head towards Lisa. "Yeah?" "Ready for your math homework? I have time now." "Yeah. Let's get over this." I sighed and nodded at her.
Lisa sat down at the table, as I sat down next to her and took my math book and workbook out.
"So what page?" "192 Question 2)3)5) and 193 3)4)7)." I said as looking down at my notes.
"Woah. That's really a lot. Why did he give you guys so much homework?" "Not us. Just me." I mumbled looking down at my fingers.
"What did you do?" Lisa raised an Eyebrow.
"I couldn't explain the way to get to the solution and he got mad at me for that." "Wait? He got mad for you not being able to understand the math questions?" I nodded.
"What a bad teacher. Now let's start."
It took us one and a half hour to do the first page of questions. But thanks to Lisa I understood everything I had to do and she even showed me tips to solve it an easier way.
"Do you think you can solve the other three questions on your own? I have to get going now. I can controll them later when I get home."
I nodded. "Thank you so much Lise. I think I got it."
"That's great baby girl. I'll see you for dinner." She got up and gave me a kiss on my forehead.
"Bye Lise. Have fun." She waved and left the room.
In silence I concentrated on my last three math questions.
x-7=15.
So I have to add 7, this means x=22.
The next one.
x×9=36
36÷9=4 so x=4
It took me another thirty minutes to solve all of the questions in math. Only one was left and I didn't really know how to solve it. But all in all I felt good I did now how to do my math stuff and was able to solve it on my own. For the first time in a while I truly felt good about myself and was proud of something I did.
As it was already nearing 4 pm I decided to get over the last homeworks I have to do from today.
English. After English I would still have to finish Art and draw me in the middle of the picture but this wouldn't take me so long.
The essay in English was on the topic of a person who we admire and who inspires us.
After a short while I decided to write about my sister Amy.
I took me an hour to perfect it but in the end I was satisfied with the result.
It was almost a whole page. I took my school things upstairs with me and put them away.
"Hey did you finish your painting for Art Lesson?" Amy stood in the door.
"No. I was about to do that." I told her quietly.
"Can I help? I could colour the structures you drew and you draw yourself." She smiled at me with a huge smile. I nodded. "That would be amazing." "Cool wanna go to my room I think I've got some really cool pencils." We got up and sat down on the floor in her room.
In total silence we worked on the picture together. Amy started colouring the side with the boys while I drew myself in the middle of the picture in between my parents.
A knock on the door made us both jump. "What are you doing?" Lauren stood in the door.
Amy looked at me expecting me to explain something. I took a short breath before opening my mouth.
"It's my art project. We are supposed to draw our family and our relationship towards them. Amy helps me." Lauren smiled and plopped down at on the floor next to us. "Cool. I like the drawing. It's Mom and Dad in the middle, the boys on one side and the the girls on the other side. But why are you in the middle?"
I looked at Amy hoping she would help me to explain this. She smiled sadly but decided to let me talk.
"Well I am not a part of the boys for obvious reasons and I don't really feel like I should be next to you guys as I am not part of the band. I am in between both." I rattled down really quite.
Lauren and Amy both looked at me sad. "Baby I am sorry you feel this way." Lauren scooted closer to me and opened her arms. She looked at me expecting I hesitated for a few seconds, but in the end scooted over to her.
She put her arms around me and pulled me closer to her. Her embrace was warm and even though I know that I shouldn't trust her I felt safe and cared for.
I curled up closer to her and closed my eyes just enjoying this moment while I could. The voices in my head that had started to scream in my head the whole day seemed to calm down a bit.
Just as yesterday Lauren started to play with my hair and to draw circles on my back. I snuggled closer to her.
"I love you so so much Lil. More than you can imagine."
"Love you too Laur." I mumbled in her chest. We stayed like this for a while. The content feeling made me sleepy which was the reason for me getting up. " I am sorry Laur. But I am going to fall asleep if we continue to cuddle and I really need to finish this." She smiled at me and nodded. To my surprise she stayed with Amy and I while we were drawing and kept us company. When Nick came to get us for Dinner the picture was finished and we had talked for awhile.
Dinner. The only time today I have to eat food. If I don't eat the others know something is up so I decided to eat something and throwing it up later.
"There you are girls. I made pasta." Mom stood in the Kitchen she smiled at us as we walked in.
After everyone settled down we started to eat I didn't take much of the pasta anyway and ate only three quarters of it but I already felt full and sick.
My stomach felt like it was about to burst and I knew that I definitely needed to use the restroom later. The others were talking about Nick's Game and the points he made.
I just ignored it and continued to stare at the rest of my food.
"Is everyone done?" Mom questioned and looked at us. We all nodded or answered with a yes.
"Joey and Christian you two stay home tomorrow for another day. Lillian, Nick I will take you take to school, but we have to get going a little bit earlier, I've got an important appointment at 8AM." Mom told as before she started to get up and clean up the table.
I got up and helped her, Christian and Joey went back upstairs to sleep. Dani just vanished, Nick went outside to practice basketball.
Kath and Christina got up with me to help mom while Lisa, Lauren and Amy went back in the living room.
After we had cleaned the table I went back upstairs to the bathroom.
I closed the door and locked it, knowing that no-one was allowed to see this.
Turning the shower on, I walked towards the toilet and sank down to my knees.
I forced my fingers down my throat and almost immediately I felt the urge to throw up. I gagged and started to throw up. I stayed in this position for almost ten minutes before I started to take a shower.
I was tired, it was hard to keep my eyes open and concentrate. While showering I dry heaved a few times.
When I got out of the shower I put on a pyjama, brushed my teeth and dried of my hair.
As I walked to my room I could hear the others talking.
Mom and Dad in their room, my siblings were watching a movie or something downstairs. I could hear them laughing about it.
I opened the door to my room and saw Lisa sitting on my bed.
"Hey Lise. What are you doing here? Do you want to go over Math again?"
She looked at me concerned. "No baby girl that's not what I want to talk about." I looked at her. "Close the door. I think it's better if we talk about this alone without anyone barging in." I nodded my heart beating fast in my chest. As I closed the door Lisa patted on the place next to her.
"Sit down Little One." I walked towards the bed and sat down next to her.
"What do you want to talk about Lisa?"
"Baby girl I heard you."
"I don't know what you are talking about. I took a shower that's all."
Lisa looked at me sadly. Tears in her eyes.
"Sweetie I think you know what I am talking about. I heard you throwing up. I know what you are doing to yourself." The tears that before brimmed in her eyes were now welling over.
"Lil why would you do this to yourself? Why? You're so beautiful." The tears streamed down her face as she looked at me.
The guilt made me feel even worse. Lisa was crying because of me. My strong older sister was crying because of me. I started to tear up and within seconds I was fully crying.
"Oh baby girl. Come here." She embraced me in a hug and held me close to her chest. "I'm here Baby. I'm here." While combing her fingers through my hair and tracing patterns on my back she continued to whisper soothing things in my ears. "I love you so much. I'll take care of you."
I felt her tears dropping down on my shoulder and wetting my pyjama. "I'll take care of you from now on I promise you."
After awhile I stopped crying and Lisa adjusted our position so that she she could look at me.
"Now we need to talk for a bit baby girl. You need to tell me what's going on."
I took a deep breath and sighed.
"It's too much Lise. Too much. I can't handle it anymore." The tears in my eyes started to sting again.
"I'm so fat and no matter what I do it doesn't get better. I just keep gaining weight. Why am I so ugly? Why can't I look like any of you? You're all so pretty and I am just an ugly screw up."
For the first time in month I told someone the truth about my thoughts what really think about myself and I could see in Lisa's face that she was shocked.
"Oh baby. Why do you think such things? You're so beautiful. You're the prettiest girl I've ever laid an eye on. And I love you so much. And Lillian listen to me: You are not a screw up! You are talented, beautiful, funny, kind and caring. I don't know how you can't see this. But I promise you one thing as long as you don't see it yourself I am going to remind you everyday. I am here for you and I promise I'll never let you go."
I cried as she said that. Lisa pulled me closer to her again.
"I'll be here now. Please I'll help you to get better from now on. You don't have to do this on your own. But please try to get better for me."
Still curled up in her side I closed my eyes, tears still stinging in them.
"I promise Lise. I promise." I cried in her shoulder.
"I love you Lil. My sweet baby sister. We need to figure out how to help you and I think we need to talk to our sisters for that."
"No I don't want them to know." I cried out. Still in complete panic mode.
"Baby they need to know. This is the only way to help you. And I promise that it's going to be okay. We will take care of you together. They won't judge you it'll be alright."
I still cried in her shirt but nodded in silence.
"Lise. Can you hold me for a little while longer?"
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