it should be me (TanZen Fanfic)

Chapter 9 - Desolation

Tanjiro's POV

I woke up and noticed that it was already the next morning. I barely slept last night thinking about what Zenitsu and Inosuke were doing. I'm just really worried. I got up and felt so lonely in my king sized bed. It was supposed to be waking up and then kissing my boyfriend good morning but... he wasn't there.

I got up and started walking towards the kitchen. Unfortunately, they were all already there, sitting and waiting for me. I felt so guilty because I made them wait for me just to eat breakfast. But they all looked so tired so I'm guessing that I'm not that late. Of course, I should still apologize.

"Sorry for being late!"

"Its fine, Kamado-kun. Just sit down so we can eat!" Mitsuri-san replied. I took her offer and sat down to finally eat.

"Itadakimasu!"

Same thing as always. Shinobu-san and Mitsuri-san were talking and Inosuke and Zenitsu were also talking and not shouting at each other which shocked me. Have they really developed a relationship? I doubt it but I'm going to make sure of that today.

It's been about 10 minutes and he hasn't looked at me at all! Not even a 'good morning' or a 'hello', nothing! I just kept looking at him and Inosuke talking and laughing. It made my heart hurt again. I know they're both just friends but I'm still not sure if they are "just friends". I've never been this worried about someone in my entire life. Except Nezuko.

I was just eating and I noticed Zenitsu and Inosuke getting up to leave. I guess they really were close now. It makes me.....jealous. My best friend is getting closer and closer to my boyfriend. Of course I'd be jealous. I mean, who wouldn't. But I let them go and I was already also getting up to leave. I bow and head to the bath.

*sigh* I sigh as I dipped my body into the hot water. Why were they now always together? Is Zenitsu replacing me?? No no no no way. I mean it's a possibility but... UGHHHH IDFK!!!

Why is love so confusing?! I'm really thinking about this way too much. I guess it shows how much I really love him. I mean I do, but, it's just so hard and painful to bear with. Love is happy and at the same time, exhausting. I'll just talk to him today and maybe clear things up.

But, this bath reminds me of when he invited me to take a bath with him. He looked so hot undressing. That sudden remembrance made me all flustered.

~time skip to where he's done taking a bath > ~ <

That was refreshing! Now, I just have to find him. Maybe he was at the garden again. I look and see and he was there! He was also alone, thankfully. I don't need Inosuke here as an audience. I start to walk over at him and he jumped out of shock so I'm guessing he already knew whose footsteps these were. I sit next to him and start to talk.

"Hey, Zenitsu."

"H-hey, Tanjiro." He sounded so forced in saying my name. I guess he really does not want me here. I'm just going to ask a few questions and leave him be for the afternoon.

"Are you okay? Why won't you look at me?" Even after sitting with him for 2 minutes he still hasn't turned to my direction or even glancing at me. He was just frozen while looking at the ground.

"Tanjiro, can you leave me alone for a while? Please?" That really stung. He really did not want me here. Why? I'm just so tired of this. I start to lose my temper and shout.

"Why?! Why won't you even look at me?! Even after all we've done, you still don't want me!! What is wrong with me that you are so afraid to look at?! Do you hate me now?! Why?! Just tell me wh-"

"JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!" I gasped at what he said. I-I don't even know. I looked at him and he seems shocked at what he said too. I start to cry and run away.

"W-wait, Tanjiro!!" He reached out his hand and called me but, I didn't turn back. I just kept running and running until I hit a wall. I stood up, not minding the pain and just ran and ran. I've run past Shinobu-san and Mitsuri-san but I didn't stop for them. I just continued my cries and running. I cry and cry, not knowing where to go and just went to the roof and cried and cried again.

I just curled up like a ball and cried my eyes out. I scream and shout from time to time because of the pain in my heart but I knew that no one was going to be able to save me from this. No one except him. But I didn't care about anything anymore now. I just kept crying, not minding anything.

It was like my heart and my feelings were shot and are now bleeding out. Love was seeping out and never coming back. I didn't want this feeling anymore. It just hurt so much than his first rejection.

I fought demons while thinking about him. I thought about him when things were going wrong to keep myself happy and sane. I thought about him when I was feeling sad or angry just to calm me down. He gave me a new purpose to live.

Millions of thoughts came flying through my head. Most of them were 'he didn't love me anymore' or "he never loved me. I'm so stupid and delusional to think that the love of my life loves me back." I cry and cry a lot more because of these thoughts. Maybe I was just stupid to think that I even had a chance. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe we didn't get along as lovers.

Maybe he never even loved me from the start.
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Chapter 9!!! it's starting to get all angst-y.... just be prepared! Enjoy! =))))))