Cafe - phan

five

I wake up feeling dull and too unmotivated to leave the safety of my bed. After the embarrassment of yesterday, why would I risk making an even bigger fool of myself? I couldn't believe I had been so blind to Dan's attempt at friendship and prayed I wouldn't run into him on campus today. 

I check the time on my phone, I know that if i don't leave now I'll be late for my first class; Renaissance Literature. It wasn't my favourite class, but it isn't the worst. Besides, my professor may kick me out if I continue to skip class. 

I put on a black knit sweater with my black skinny jeans, hoping to blend in with the world today. I put my laptop and it's charger into my old, worn backpack. 

I don't see James anywhere, meaning he is probably still sleeping. I wish he would act less entitled, with his mom paying for his degree the least he could do is go to class. But, I guess it's not my problem. I grab a pear from the kitchen and I head out the door to go to class. 

I think about Dan on my walk to campus, and all throughout Renaissance Literature. I wish I hadn't been so forward with him on our date, cause even if it is platonic I believe we could be really close. There was an immediate trust between us, even after one short hour I already know so much about him. We even have an inside joke. 

I still don't know where I could have gotten the wrong idea from. He came back hours after our encounter to give me his phone number, and I am still certain he winked at me. Why would he come back if he just wanted to be friends? 

My phone buzzes, snapping me out of my daydream. A text from Dan lights up my screen;

hey

I conceal my phone under the desk and glance up from my phone occasionally as I type a response. I know my professor could care less, but I don't want to seem disrespectful, 

Hi

I'm sorry about yesterday. 

I type the second portion after minutes of deliberating what to say. I truly wasn't expecting to hear from him again after what I did. 

it's ok, i overreacted

I smile in relief, then shut off my phone to try and learn something from my professor who seems far too interested in ancient literature. He probably thinks I am too, judging by the grin I can't seem to conceal. 

i just can't stop thinking about yesterday though. i don't ever open up to people as i did with you. i hate being vulnerable, but i felt safe talking to you.

...

no homo

I scoff, he did not just 'no homo' me after saying something so personal. I respond;

I'm glad you can trust me <3

Renaissance Literature finally ends, I close the blank Word document on my computer and place it back into my bag. I hurry to my next class, which is of course on the opposite side of the English building and starts in 5 minutes. I figured it would be fine when creating my schedule but must've forgotten how I despise running and being late. 

I don't respond to Dan's message, somewhat because I enjoy my poetry class, but mostly because I am full homo for Dan. I'd love to be his friend, but I know that there will likely never be a day that I don't want to be with him. 

I know that there is something special about us and I wish he could see it. I am generally an awkward and reserved person, but with him, I couldn't seem to stop talking or playfully teasing him. I still don't know if he's straight or just uninterested in me. I can sense he isn't straight, and I usually have quite reliable gaydar. 

i still really would like to see you again

His text fills me with butterflies once again. I would love to see him, but I know that it would be so weird. It is very apparent that I like him, and he has made it clear he is not interested in me. I put our messages on mute, knowing that I need to focus on what is going on in class. This term has really just begun, if I fall behind now then I am truly screwed for the rest of the term. Besides, I don't know what to say to Dan. 

Maybe one day he will hold me in his arms, but for now, I shall push my feelings into horrible, sad poetry. 

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hahaha who doesn't love a bad filler chapter

if anyone reads this leave me a vote so i don't feel so alone. idk if the 17 reads so far are real ppl or just me looking back on old chapters lmao. 

-natalie