Cafe - phan

seven

"Oh, I have a roommate, by the way. His name is James, he's pretty chill and probably won't bug us anyway," I mention as I unlock the door to my apartment

"That's okay, I don't mind," Dan says and we both enter the front entrance of my place, "hey, that pizza box is still here,"

"Shush, I am unfortunately aware of our disaster of an apartment," I say, "you can leave our garbage from earlier with it, I'll take care of it later,

We head over to the couch, James isn't out here so he must be in his room, the only two places he ever is. I open my laptop which is still sitting on our coffee table from earlier.

"Are you sure I'm not keeping you from getting your own stuff done?" I ask, feeling anxious about sharing my writing with him. I know that I owe it to him, though. He was so open with me about his major, and I still have yet to do the same. My writing is just so personal to me and I don't know if he'll think of me the same after he reads it. 

"Nah, it's fine, I'll get to it later tonight. It's only seven anyway," he says, "c'mon, let me read something!" 

I sigh, "promise you won't judge me?" 

"I promise," he says

I look over the file names of the writing pieces I am submitting in my portfolio tomorrow, setting on a poem I wrote about feeling lost and alone in life, figuring Dan may be able to relate. All I know is that he can't read what I wrote after the day we met. 

I hand my laptop over to him which he takes and sets in his lap. He kicks his feet up onto the coffee table and fixes himself on the screen. 

I watch his expression as he reads, silently hoping he doesn't get confused or hate what I've written. His eyebrows furrow, does he not like it? Maybe he doesn't get it. He nods along as he reads, which he has been doing for too long now. The poem isn't that long, he should be done by now. Realizing how nervous looking at him is making me, I stare away from him and down at my hands. 

"I don't know why you said you're a bad writer," he says

I smile, still keeping my gaze away from him as my cheeks flush, "you don't need to say that."

"I'm not just saying it! I genuinely really love this," 

"Thanks," I say and look up at him, he smiles at me. 

James' bedroom door flings open quickly, immediately ruining the moment between Dan and I. Our eyes dart away from each other and over to the door. 

"Hey," James says,

"Hey James," I reply, "this is Dan," 

"Hey," Dan says, but quickly turns his attention back over to me, handing my laptop back, "I always wished I was good at poetry, it feels like the one emo part of me that is missing,"

"You seem like the type to write artistically suicidal poetry," I respond, "I consider myself lucky for never reaching peak emo. It's always just been on the back-burner, where it belongs,"

"I think I may always have a suicidal poet within me," Dan jokes in a fake deep voice, a smile plastered on his face causing his dimples to show. 

I can't believe he isn't gay.

"Are you still working on that portfolio for tomorrow?" James enters the living room, eating a piece of toast.

"Yeah, Dan offered to read stuff for me," I say

"Did you show him that really good one? It was called.. um.. something about new beginnings or something. You showed it to me before you went on that date a while ago," 

Of course, James decides to bring up the poem I wrote about Dan. Or, at least one of them. I no longer really like the one I wrote before Dan and I's date because, well, that obviously didn't go as planned. 

"Can I read it? No way it's better than the last one you showed me," Dan chimes in excitedly

"I don't know, I probably won't even end up submitting it," I try to brush it off, hoping Dan will lose interest

"No way! That poem could win an award, like, a Nobel Peace Prize or something," James' words are muffled by the toast in his mouth

"I don't think that's what Nobel Peace Prizes are for," I say,

"If you say so," James shrugs, "I'm off to bed, see you later, oh, and good meeting you, Dan."

"You too," Dan says and James retreats back into his room, "well... am I allowed to read it?" 

"I don't know," I say, knowing that the answer is 'no.' If he reads it, he will know it's about him, and I already made things awkward enough after the whole hand-holding incident. Chances are he probably already knows it's about him after what James said about the date. 

"Maybe some other time," he grins

"Here, I'll show you this one," I open the document on my computer and hand it over to Dan. This one is about my last relationship, which didn't go over too well. 

I never felt wanted by my ex. I was always just a little toy to him, someone to show off or take anger out on. But I couldn't leave even though I knew I wanted to. The good times were so nice and I felt so loved, even if I knew deep down that I meant nothing to him. 

Dan stares at the screen solemnly, knowing he perfectly understands what I am getting at with my metaphor. 

"Not to come on too strongly, but... you're gay right?"   

"Sh!" I say, quickly moving from my spot on the couch to be closer to Dan so I can whisper, "James doesn't know, but, yes." 

"Oh, sorry," he whispers back, "yeah, I kind of figured. I just want you to know that, like, I'm cool with it." 

I know he's referencing how he quickly pulled away from me when I went to hold his hand when we first hung out. I know he's being sincere, but the moment feels awkward and forced. I don't know how to respond to him, but I know my cheeks have flushed a deep red, I turn away quickly. 

"Listen, I don't know who this guy you wrote about is, but he sounds like an asshole to me." 

I smile, "You got that right."

He gazes back at me, and everything feels perfect. He is so perfect. I wish he wanted me the way I want him, he has no idea how difficult this is. I've never met someone so loving, accepting, and fun to be with. 

"If you're not too busy with all this, do you want to just play Mario Kart?" Dan says

He really is the one.