Drowning In Love || EXO Tao

[6] Sunset

Chapter 6_

Sunset

I didn't know how many times I've paced across my room. So many thoughts were running around my head that I thought I was going crazy. One moment I was regretting that I basically agreed talking to him, and another moment I was reasoning that what I did was right. And then I tried to form scenarios in my head, in what things he might say and how the conversation might go, and tried to come up with what and how to respond to each and every one of it. However, my mind was just in such a frenzy that I wasn't able to come up with anything, and I had no freaking idea what I would say to him.

I glanced down at my phone and cursed under my breath. Ten minutes. Tao probably had been waiting at the rooftop for ten minutes already.

What? Don't judge me. I'm going through a dilemma here, alright? I've been so focused on avoiding him that I hadn't really reached the point on what to do in case we do talk again. This was all so sudden, so the least thing I could do was think of how not to make a fool of myself in front of him, but I guess it's too late for that now.

Taking in a deep breath, I pocketed my phone and finally headed out of the apartment, clenching and unclenching my fists in an attempt to tone down my anxiety. However, every step I took up the stairs towards the rooftop only made my heart beat faster and faster, and as I reached the door--the only thing keeping me from seeing Tao at this point--I felt like I was suffocating. I started to have second thoughts. I wanted to back out. My grip on the doorknob loosened and I almost stepped back, but as if my heart momentarily took over brain, my body moved on its own and pushed open the door before I could decide on anything else.

And there he was, standing by the edge of the rooftop, his fine silhouette contrast against the now pinkish sunset. He quickly turned around at the sound of the rooftop door opening, and our eyes immediately locked on each other.

With slow and careful steps I came closer to him, all the time trying to tone down the deafening thrum of my heart against my ear. Tao just watched me come closer, and I didn't know if he could tell that I was practically shaking from the anxiety. Once I was a good five feet away from him, I could finally see him clearly. I'd spent way too much time trying not to look at him out of fear of my emotions resurfacing, so seeing him like this now made it feel like it's been so long since I last saw his face. However, one look at him made me realize that in fact, I'd never been so wrong.

Looking at him still made my heart hurt, yes, but little did I know that something else could hurt far more than that: Seeing him with his eyes puffy and red as indication of prolonged periods of crying, and cuts on his fists as indication that he'd been punching walls, hurting himself because of frustration. Because of me.

As we looked at each other with emotional eyes in the middle of the rooftop, we saw each other's sadness, pain, and hurt, and there was only one thing that I could conclude.

We had hurt each other badly, and it both fucked us up.

"I missed you..." he finally said, those three simple words hitting my heart like a shotgun.

"Me too..." I quietly said back. He'd already broken down my walls and I'd already given in. Might as well just be honest with him and myself.

"Seollie..." he took a deep breath, taking a few seconds to think of how to begin. "I understand why you wanted to avoid me. I had time to think and realized that I had been a horrible friend to you. I didn't treat you the way you deserved. I hurt you. I hurt you so bad. I was an asshole."

He pursed his lips as they started to tremble from the emotions. "I finally realized how I promised things so carelessly to you, how I made you wait every single time we're supposed to eat together, and how I left you so suddenly every time the others called out for me... I realized that I have hurt you and ditched so many times, and yet, I never heard a single complain from you. You were silently enduring everything, yet you still cared for me so much.  And when I saved you there at the pool, when you wouldn't wake up no matter how hard I called, it was like a brick hit me in the head and woke me up. I realized I should've treated you as the most precious thing in the world. That you deserved more attention than anybody else. And I was so scared that I was too late. I..."