Soukoku/AkuAtsu One Shots (a.k.a. my one happiness in life)

Am I Worth It?

Akutagawa stared out of the window of the Agency, observing the rainy weather outside. He had just finished another mission with Atsushi and had come back to report to Dazai. As usual, Dazai would pet Atsushi on the head and move on, as if he didn't even exist. He was so furious and was tempted to punch him right then and there. However, he controlled his anger and simply sat down to look out the window while Atsushi left and joined the others. Akutagawa always felt calm when watching the rain. A feeling he rarely got to experience. His life was on the line almost all the time, and he barely had any chance to relax. These days, even Gin wasn't around with him like she was back in the orphanage. She had her own missions to attend to anyways. Every time someone went up to him and asked if he was alright, he would always make up some excuse.

I'm fine, I'm just tired.

No, don't worry, I've just been having a rough day...

I'm okay, just a little bored.

These were lies. He was not fine. Akutagawa never felt "fine". He had spent his whole life, struggling to find a purpose to live. Dazai had given him that, but never gave him what he needed most. Support. Care. Attention. Approval. This hurt Akutagawa deep down. He would feel himself break into a million pieces. However, he would never tell anyone. He didn't want others to know how weak he was within. How unstable he was. How much he needed a friend, someone to fall back on. Dazai clearly was not that person he was looking for.

Akutagawa soon felt himself breaking into pieces again. He never made this obvious to anyone in public, for he didn't want anyone to know. But he was at his breaking point. No...he had passed his breaking point long ago. He was beyond broken. He felt destroyed. Defeated. Unwanted. Unappreciated. He felt dead inside. Akutagawa closed his eyes, and felt small tears flow down his cheeks.

It's hopeless. Why am I still alive? I could end this living hell. Wake myself up from this oxidizing world of a dream. I can't handle this...I just want to die.

"Akutagawa, are you alright?"

Crap. Akutagawa quickly, wiped his tears away and looked up. Atsushi stood in front of him, looking concerned.

"What's wrong? Are you...crying?" Atsushi asked, surprised. He had never seen Akutagawa look so vulnerable before. He always thought Akutagawa was strong and independent. Although he never admitted it, he secretly admired Akutagawa's courage in battle and had aspired to be like him.

Akutagawa looked up at him unable to get words out of his mouth. He held it in, but something snapped inside of him. He couldn't hold it in anymore. That's when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him and a sudden warmth spread throughout his body.

"Don't cry..." Atsushi said softly.

Akutagawa tried to push Atsushi away, but soon gave in once he squeezed tighter.

"Please...tell me...what's wrong?" Atsushi looked at Akutagawa, worry and sadness visible in his eyes.

No...I can't. I can't bear to look into Atsushi's eyes.

"I'm fine...idiot..." Akutagawa hissed, trying to look threatening. He didn't want Atsushi to leave him, but he didn't want to look weak and helpless in front of him either.

"No, you're not. Tell me," Atsushi insisted. Akutagawa finally looked directly at him, and Atsushi gave a comforting smile, looking back at him with kind eyes.

10 minutes later...

They talked. A lot. Akutagawa finally expressed how he felt for the first time. No one had ever gone so far for him before. For the first time, Akutagawa felt appreciated and cared for. He felt...loved.