i slept in my closet, killed the lights,
like a baby on the floor,
i slept in the smallest corner of the world
and begged to be swallowed.
i slept restlessly, i killed the lights but still,
like running a fever, my legs could not stop running even if i asked politely
i slept in the most quiet cranny of the world
and asked the world if i was allowed to occupy any more space than this.
she told me to wait.
i waited.
i am sleeping in different corners of the world,
where there is a small unoccupied space, i try to crawl through
my legs are too long to fit anywhere
what are they good for?
my family used to say i could be a model
but all they want to do is run.
my family doesn't say anything anymore.
i'm sorry, it keeps getting worse
it's hard sleeping on my own
but no one else can fit in these places with my legs in the way,
i once promised we'd run away together,
you and me.
it seems so long ago yet yesterday and i hardly remember
nothing changes or stays the same
i'm really sorry i haven't figured out
where i fit and that we have no place
to run to.
you tell me to stop crying
but i won't because i deserve this, it feels like an act of mercy,
because i promised, i promised
that we would make a home out of something,
i'd chop off my legs to make the door frame and my hair could be a roof
but that's not a home, i know,
just because it cost blood doesn't mean it's luxury.
what is it that you want?
i don't want to die but i can't deny
how good it felt for a moment to be swallowed by something before the panic set in
i want to be loved but i don't know what the word means,
i just know i had it once and i need it,
god, i need something,
what is it?
i keep having dreams about me digging into my skin trying to find it, i think
i misplaced it somewhere in there
i keep sleeping in places too small for my body, maybe i like to feel big
but really it feels like love, or something like it,
when she swallowed me before coughing me back up.
kill the lights, i keep killing it,
is this making it right?
i promised i'd be better.
and sometimes i pretend to be.
but mostly i'm still barely formed with soft knees
when i curl up nice and tight
so the world could pick me up easily in the palm of her hand and swallow me.
why does she not want me? am i bitter in taste?
she tells me my legs are too long and get caught in her throat
and my choices are to try to make a home out of them
or run.
i slept in my closet and killed the lights
and i begged and prayed
to be swallowed.
