I Say "Vol," You Say "Finals" (A Klance AU) [ON HIATUS]

4. The Bloodbath

TW: Murder.

I bolted up from the bed and took my knife from the false leg of my bed. After searching around in my desk for a few minutes, I found it: my pack of fake blue stick-on mustaches. What? It's not like I can just re-use them for the next murder each time; they could get blood on them or something, maybe even my natural hair or -- God forbid -- my fingerprints. That's why I always burn the mustaches I use after I burn the body.

I grabbed a mustache from the pack, put on my coat, and left the dorm, being very careful to close the door quietly. Halfway to my car -- which I may or may not have bought using proceeds from the early days of this endeavor, back when I sold body parts on the black market instead of burning them -- I realized that I had left my keys, lighter, and garbage bags back in my room, as well as an extra change of clothes. When I went back to get them, I realized that I had forgotten to set up an alibi. On the off chance that Keith left his room, I couldn't risk him connecting the dots. I did not want to go to jail. So here's what I did: I made one, although I must admit that it wasn't my best work. On my way out, I opened Netflix on my computer, put on She-Ra, and recorded myself laughing and making comments. I put the iPod I have specifically for the recordings (so that I can burn them all if the need arises) by the wall between my room and Keith's. I put it on max volume and set the track to repeat, and then I locked the door to my room from the outside (yes, it's possible, but don't ask me how I did it).

I went back to my car, and once I got in, I started laughing. Man, I hadn't gotten to kill anyone all summer. I miss it.... To be frank, you don't get a lot of free time when you're preparing for college and hanging out with your family. I put the key in the ignition and headed for the local pharmacy. I parked my car, put my coat in it, and headed out, walking aimlessly around alleyways, pretending to be drunk.

Finally, after around an hour and a half, I ran into a good target: a sad, lonely man, crying about how his girlfriend broke up with him.

Pathetic, I thought, purposefully stumbling closer.

"Woah, hey dude. Sorry," I said, bumping into him. I stumbled backwards, purposely throwing myself off-balance.

"Hm? No, no, it's fine. Hey, do you, uh...do you happen to have your phone on you? Or do you know how to get to the pharmacy from here?" He seemed genuinely confused. I think I can work with this. I got an idea.

"Yeah, sure, dude. Here, I'll show you." I motioned for him to follow me, taking care to appear as though I was actually drunk, but trying to hide it. I hiccuped a few times.

"Thanks. I really appreciate it," he said, his gratefulness evident in his voice.

"Oh, no problem. No problem at all." Back turned to him, I smiled and continued walking, making a show out of pausing to think every once in a while. When I was satisfied that he wouldn't be able to find his way to any big street on his own, I turned down a few more alleys before stopping.

"I, uh...I think you made a wrong turn. This is a dead-end alleyway. Man, are you drunk or something?" He sounded worried.

"Oh, totally, dude, but I just came from the pharmacy. It should be around here somewhere." Over the past while, I've become quite the liar, so I had no doubt that he'd buy anything I said.

"The-- the pharmacy? What for?" I could hear him take a step back, as though just realizing that maybe I wasn't trustworthy. I put on a worried face before turning around so he could see it.

"My wife's meds. She's sick," I said, more to lower his guard down than anything. I made sure to sound as worried as I could, hiccuping again to sustain the illusion of my intoxication. I turned in a circle, as if trying to get my bearings, before stumbling again and falling.

"Hey, are you...are you okay? That was quite a fall." He stepped closer. Hook, line, and sinker, I thought.

"Yeah. Do you think you could help me up?" I reached up with one hand, grabbing my knife with the other.

"Yeah, sure. By the way, thanks for all your help. I was having a pretty crummy day, y'know?" He lifted me up.

As he did so, I took out my knife and stabbed him through the heart. I took the knife out and stabbed between his ribs a few more times.

"Happy to be of service." I laughed, before hearing something that made me shut up quite quickly: sirens.

"Oh, schist, that's the cops." I closed up his jacket to hide the wounds and grabbed the body. I started walking casually, as though I was helping a passed-out person back to their car. I heard footsteps start walking towards me.

"Oh, no. Oh. This is bad. This is very bad. Quiznak." I started walking a bit faster.

"Hey, hands up!"

I turned around, not wanting to be suspicious.

"Wait-- dude, is that you? What are the chances?" Right before my eyes was my nemesis, this quiznak-er with a red bandana over his nose, mouth, and chin. I thought I had left him behind when I moved here. But dam, was he hotter than I remembered.

"Yeah, well, obviously not as low as you thought. Now, I told you to put your hands up! I'm not asking again!" Brandishing a gun, he started walking towards me, so I did the only sensible thing: I ran. I heard yelling and footsteps behind me, mixed with a lot of cursing as the officers realized they'd have to chase me on foot. I managed to reach my car and drive.

When I reached a location where I was sure that I wouldn't be seen, I burned the body, as well as the mustache. I cleaned my car with both wet-wipes and disinfectant, changed my clothes, and got into the car, cursing at myself as I realized that I had managed to grab a pair of pajamas and fluffy cow slippers (don't ask) in my rush, as I had already set them out for later that night. I put the key into the ignition and drove home.

"Good to be home," I murmured to myself, closing and locking the door behind me as quietly as I could. I slipped back into my room, turned off the recording and the show, and fell asleep, too tired to shower.

Wow, 1159 words (excluding this note and the trigger warning). I'm pretty proud of this! Sorry it took so long for me to get out, though :/ Remember to stay safe and wear a mask!