Hey guys!
If you didn't already know, I identify as asexual. Since I don't really get to talk about it a lot in my real life, I figured I'd share some of my asexual adventures with you! This is a rant book, so the only plot it follows is the one of...
As I previously mentioned, not all asexual people abstain from sex. An asexual person can choose to have sex for numerous reasons. One popular reason is that they want to have a child.
Unfortunately, this has proved to be quite a conundrum for me.
I want to have children someday (specifically two boys so that I can raise them to be little gentlemen and pray that at least one of them turns out to be gay), but everything about producing a child freaks me the fuck out.
I am a sex-repulsed (maybe sex-averse) asexual, so I have no interest in conceiving a child. On top of that, I am extremely squeamish when it comes to anything medical. I nearly pass out just hearing symptoms of a mild condition (I blame this on my empathy, since I get sympathy pains when I hear about someone in pain and when I hear symptoms, I go into hyper-aware-body-monitoring stage to the point where my brain tricks itself into thinking it's experiencing those symptoms too). In order to discuss medical concepts, I need to be the one in control of the conversation. Otherwise, any slightly unexpected information will make my hearing go out and my vision get black spots, even if it's insignificant.
Because of this, it makes sense that everything having to do with pregnancy and childbirth TERRIFIES ME. Every new BuzzFeed video (don't judge me, I like watching men get tortured by labor simulators) I watch on the topic mortifies me even more than the last. It's really just a downhill spiral for me that only cements the fact that I don't want to have a human child growing inside of me. EVER.
But that's unfortunate because I would love to have a little version of me running around. The idea of genetics has always fascinated me, so I can't help but fantasize about what a child that is half of me and half of someone I love would look like. (I literally bought the Sims 4 just to play with genetics.) It kind of saddens me that I'm so averse to having a child naturally.
Of course, I am open to other options. Surrogacy or adoption are probably my top choices. I've set myself up to have a high paying job once I eventually graduate from my university, so when I decide I'm ready to take in a child (or two), I won't have to worry about money.
I obviously won't be ready for that for a long time though. I'll be twenty in a few months, which I know is technically the age when my grandmother got married and gave birth to my father, but some part of me refuses to believe I'm of age to be a mother. I still feel like a kid. However, I'm reminded of how much of an adult I am every time I check in on Instagram and see what my former classmates are up to nowadays. Despite the fact that I went to a school so small that my entire grade consisted of just thirty people (the biggest grade in the school, mind you) at least four or five of the girls now possess living, breathing children of their own. Some are married too! Like damn! I just got my first boyfriend a few months ago and we still haven't gotten to the "holding-hands" phase yet!
Of course, the rational part of me justifies all the reasons why it's actually a good thing that I don't want to produce a child myself. I mean, just look at this world population graph! It speaks for itself!
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There was less than a billion people on the entire planet before the 1800s! That number has risen exponentially in the last two hundred years and it'll only continue to rise! I've done plenty of research on this topic (for a persuasive speech advocating cannibalism, but that's another matter) and many experts estimate that the carrying capacity of the world is 11 billion people! We're estimated to reach that by the year 2100, which means the Earth will no longer have enough resources to sustain the human population! I'm only doing my civic duty if I end up adopting a child instead of producing one of my own.
At least, that's what my brain tells me. In all honesty, I alone won't make that big of a difference. But hey, it keeps my mind at peace.
