you're beautiful here

f i v e

Chapter 5

Felix hated going to meetings for his writing. Dr. Smith wasn't far too intimidating, but he wanted to impress her either way. She had decided to take a chance on him, and he was grateful for that, but he hated being under such pressure. He knew, realistically, she was more lenient than a publishing agency would be, but sitting across from someone he respected and letting them down was so much different than some disembodied man in a suit.

"So, how are you doing with the final project?" She leaned on her elbows onto her desk. Her desk was an organized mess. There were towering stacks of paper all over it. In every corner of the room were little stacks of books on shelves, the floor, and any counter space. The only neatly placed books were on one shelf behind her.

"It's, uh, it's going okay." He felt his heart begin to race. He hated to lie to her, but what was he to say? Sorry, I haven't even begun a concept for it. I've been too busy trying to impress this girl who probably would never like me and I'm scared of the future and the past and my sister is depending on me but I'm afraid I'm going to let her down just like I do everyone else.

Dr. Smith squinted at him. He couldn't help but see Alice in it. Everything was reminding him of her. He couldn't even see the color yellow without her in it. He thought he could live in the color.

"So, can you tell me a little about it? What's your map?" He realized he probably should've prepared a little more for this meeting. He didn't even have a fake story to tell her. In school, he was the master of giving bs to teachers, but he'd changed so much since then. He felt like he'd shrunk.

In school, he easily got high grades and took college classes in high school. He'd graduated at 16, but his plans were quickly derailed with the death of his parents and grandparents. His dreams of graduating college at 18 had to be put to the backburner. In the past five and a half years, he'd been able to take only two classes at a time as to still run Mugz, and it'd taken its toll. He was no longer that boy. If you had asked him a few years previous to write what she was asking, he'd have given her double. Now, he struggled to get out a few cohesive paragraphs. He was only a few assignments away from his degree, but he still couldn't get them together.

The silence in the room was deafening. Dr. Smith sighed.

"Listen, Felix, I know you're a good kid. And I really like you. But I need something from you. Just a phrase. Just a word. Just a seed of the start of an idea. What gets you going? What could you write about for days? What's the first thing you think of in the morning and the last before you go to sleep?"

Felix knew the answer, but he didn't want to share her with Dr. Smith. As it was, he had Alice all to himself. He felt like if he shared her, it made this all real and something he could lose.

"Felix?" Felix looked up to meet her eyes. "I can see that you're thinking. What are you thinking about?"

When he remained saying nothing, she continued. She pointed to the neat row of books on the bookshelf behind her without turning. "Do you see these books?" she asked. He nodded. "These are all of the books that have been published by people working with me. I swear, Felix, when I see something, I will connect you with who you need. Give me something real, and I can get you where you want to be."

Felix's eyes trailed the rows of books. He knew what he wanted—he had wanted to be a writer since he was little. He had always had his nose in a book. He would scribble down poems in class or tell elaborate stories in elementary school. He practically lived in the library through middle and high school. This was what he'd been waiting for as long as he could remember, but he was throwing it away.

He sighed. "Well, there's this girl," he started.