The Foster Girlfriend

Another One Finds A New Home

Standing there, I wondered if it was possible for the human chest to implode. To fold in on itself, crushing the lungs and shattering the heart. From what I was feeling, I think it was more than possible. I think it was happening to me. It was an ache that stemmed from deep inside my chest that felt like my heart was sinking deeper and deeper into my body. It radiated through my arms and straight into my stomach and I felt physically sick. 

I should have known it was coming. It happened boy after boy. The first one was Max. He had the sweetest smile that sent butterflies straight into my stomach. He found Julie three months after we had started dating. Then there was Caleb. He only lasted two weeks before he ran into Katie. They're married and have a baby on the way now. 

Then came Jake, followed by Jay, Scott, Harry, Santino, Jude, Matt, and finally now Evan. 

You would think I would be used to it, but none had ever actually cheated on me while we were still together. Even besides that, my heart felt heavy with truth. It was over for me. No more boys. 

I swayed on my feet, sagging against the doorframe, trying to stop the aching. Laying there, on the bed, they slept peacefully. They looked so perfect together, his dark hair complementing her lighter locks. They were intertwined in a way that made them look like they just fit. 

I felt so small. I knew I didn't have a chance, but I did it to myself anyway. I willingly tried to make the boy mine when I knew he wasn't mine to take. 

I pushed off the frame and leaned forward to slowly close the door. 

It creaked softly but it was enough for him to slowly stir and look over to me. 

 His blue eyes looked into me and I felt like the air in the room disappear. He looked sorry.  

"Madi," He whispered softly. 

I just held up my hand and pulled the door tightly shut. I could hear him moving on the other side, trying not to wake her. I felt like I couldn't remember how to walk, but I somehow turned on my heel and started to move down the hallway towards the door. The early morning light from the bathroom window illuminated my journey and I could see dust particles floating in the air. It felt like they were slowing me down, causing everything to go in slow motion. 

I could hear the door opening and his bare feet padding down the hallway after me. 

I reached the end of the hall and turned to look at him, messy hair and black sweat pants hanging low on his hips. He looked perfect. Another reminder of what I wasn't. 

"You know, I wanted so hard to believe you when you told me you were different, and that nothing was happening with her. I wanted so badly to think that I was enough for someone. That I was capable of being loved so fiercely. That I could mean more to someone than being convenient, a background character that only served as a stepping stone to your happily ever after," I wanted to hit myself for how wobbly and weak my voice sounded. 

"Madi it was ever supposed to be this way. I'm sorry, it just happened. I just-," He cut himself off looking like he was at a loss for what to say.

"You chased me for months. You told me that you wanted me for months and that I just had a string of bad luck. That you were different. You told me that you loved me," I whispered softly. I couldn't even look at him. 

I turned once more and grabbed the handle. I turned the knob slowly, not pulling it open. 

I made a mistake, and looked back. He still looked perfect. 

"I guess I should thank you. You proved me right. I am meant to be alone," I sighed.

"Madi that's not true, I love you," he said, reaching out to me. 

"But not like her. You will never love me like you love her." 

His hand dropped back to his side and he looked like he was going to cry.

And with that, I pulled the door open and closed it tightly shut after me. That chest imploding feeling intensified. I was alone. 

I walked out of the building, climbed into my car, and drove away. I only made it halfway down the block before I lost it. Tears welled up in my eyes and my chest got even tighter. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. I pulled to the side of the road and sat there for what felt like hours. The tears just wouldn't stop coming as I started to dry-heave and shake. 

Eventually I couldn't cry anymore. I couldn't feel anything. It was like a numbness has taken over and I was a shell. 

I blinked and I was home. Parking my car, I walked up to my apartment building and climbed the many flights of stairs until I reached my door. I pulled it open and was immediately greeted with the impending silence. It was deafening. 

I felt like a zombie as I walked into my bedroom and collapsed onto my bed. 

"From this moment on," I vowed to myself, "You will accept that you are meant to be alone. You are going to be strong and happy and independent and there won't be any more tears."

I brought my pillow closer into my chest and snuggled in. My eyes started to get heavy and I felt myself start to drift off. Even in dreams, it was just dark and alone.