Title Needed

Chapter 3

"What did you do?" I asked. I was nervous and scared and maybe a little excited, but mostly scared. Taylor had a tendency to do somethings that were...well...controversial. Sometimes things played out great and you were glad she did it but most times things went less than great and you regret ever going along with it. There was one time that ended with a pig in my bathroom and a potted plant catching on fire, it had all started when Taylor said we should take ice skating lessons and it escalated very quickly.

"We-ll, you know that show the Bachelor?" She said slowly.

"Uh-huh."

"And how there's a whole bunch of rip-offs?"

"Uh-huh."

"And how you think its incredibly stupid and the people on it are totally nuts and you said you would never watch an episode if someone offered you five thousand dollars?"

"Uh-huh?" I said suddenly very afraid of another pig stain on my bathroom rug.

"Well good news! You don't have to watch any episodes, in fact you won't be allowed to!" She said cheerily and almost jumping up and down. 

"What the hell did you do?" I shouted completely appalled.

"You can't kill me its my wedding day!" She threw her hands in front of her face protectively.

"I can not believe you!"

"Honestly, I don't know why you're so surprised, I mean, it does seem like something I would do." She shrugged as if she had done absolutely nothing wrong.

"Does it seem like something you would do? I wouldn't know because you won't tell me want it is that you did that seems like something you would do so I don't know if what you say seems like something you would do is something that seems like you would do whatever it is that  you went and DID!!" I said in one breath and sucked in air. 

She hesitated a minute. "...What?"

"You heard me." I said knowing that whatever pile of shit I just said made little to no sense. "What the hell did you do?"

"I sorta....smoaobduwebbsa." She mumbled then gave an innocent smile.

"Stop stalling. What. The. Hell. Did. You. Do?" I said starting to loose my patents.

"I...sorta signed you up or one of those shows for rising stars and since you have a book coming out and all the other girls had STDs you got on it and you leave in two days." She said with a grimace.

"My God. Taylor you are in so much trouble! I'm telling!" I jumped off the counter and started to storm out of the bathroom.

"Wait!" She called desperately.

"What?"

"I really did have to pee!" She said pleadingly.

                                                                                *****

I left the bathroom while Taylor was washing her hands and searched the reception hall. My eyes scanning faces until I found\my mark by the bar. I marched over to him, furious.

"Do you know what your wife did?"  I said to Parker crossing my arms over my chest.

He smiled dreamily. "My wife. I like that. She's my wife. Doesn't that sound great?" I glared up at him. "Yes, I know what my wife did. She signed you up for some dating show." He said blandly

"Please, contain your emotions. I can see you're teaming with anger." I crossed my arms.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures." He shrugged.

"Excuse me? I am not desperate." I huffed.

"I'm not calling you desperate. I'm the desperate one, desperate not to have you sleeping on my couch twenty years from now and have my kids asking me why Auntie Hally can't fit through the door without buttering up her sides." He took a drink of what looked like scotch.

"At least I'll be more mature than my children, wish I could say the same for you." My hands moved to my hips.

"Oh, sweety, you have to find a guy before you can have kids. I thought you took health class, you know, birds and the bees and such."

"You were quite the bee as I recall, buzzing from flower to flower, spreading pollen." I rolled my eyes.

"Butternut. That was before I met Taylor. I'm a married man now." Butternut is our safe word. Since he first started dating Taylor we have picked on each other but when one of us approached a touchy subject we simply called butternut. Even though we were hard on each other I know that if I were in trouble he would definitely probably be there...maybe. "When's the last time you got a little pollen?"

"My flower happens to be full of pollen. Thank you very much."

"Really? Because you seem to swat away all the all the bees that try to visit it." He motioned toward me. 

The bartender set a scotch and soda down on the counter. "This one's on the house." He said with a slight nod.

"Thanks. You don't know how much I need this right now." I said taking a drink. I turned back to Parker. "I am not swatting the bees away."

"No? You are completely oblivious when a man flirts with you. It's quite sad really. The bartender probably flirted with you and you had no idea." He took a drink.

"He did not." I said.

"Actually, I did." The bartender said. I gave him a once over and he was amazing. He had tanned skin, dark hair and a 5 o'clock shadow. His eyes a deep brown and his muscles visible under his shirt. "To tell you the truth it was a bit off putting, I thought you might be gay when you didn't react. I mean, everybody reacts to me, sometimes even girls that like...flower on flower action."

I gave a weak smile. "Let me ask you something. Is this what you intend to do with your life? Tend bar?"

"I don't know. I might try something else but I like the free booze." He shrugged.

"So you have no life ambitions? Things you want to do before you die?" I asked.

"Um...I don't know. Bang a bunch of chicks?" He picked up a glass and started to wipe it with a with towel.

"You can't expect everyone to know what they want when they're in their twenties. You're twenties are for figuring stuff out and making mistakes and sometimes that means banging a bunch of chicks but you never know. You might be the last one."

"Actually, I'm thirty-four." He said.

"Yeah, you're a loser, mate." Oh yeah, Parker is British. We're in London right now as a matter of fact. Did I not mention that? Oops.

"Thanks for the drink though." I said taking another swig.

"Just to be clear...you're probably not coming home with me." He said.

"No. Not even a little." I said and Parker led me away from the bar.

"The point is the clock is ticking. Tic tok, tic tok, ti--"

"I'm twenty-five, it' not like I'm a old hag." I rolled my eyes at him.

"You're half right." He smiled.

"Regardless, I still don't think this show is the best way to do itWouldn't most friends just sign me up for online dating behind my back?" I asked.

"Yes. I don't know why she went straight to this. I can't defend that so I'm just going to call you fat or something." He shrugged.

"Nice effort. I hope that's not your attitude towards sex." I said shaking my head. "I don't have to do it anyway, it's not like they can force me to do the show."

"Well, since Taylor forged your signature on a contract, they can. You're ugly." He said crossing his arms.

"You man-whore. There has to be a way out of this." I said, starting to get frustrated.

"Isn't you're uncle a lawyer or something? Slut."

"No, he's a cop. Asshole."

"Cow."

"Bastard."