I'm In Trouble

Clip 22

"I don't know," Minhyun whispered. "I'm happy that you still let me have sex with you and to be with you but.... I can't stop thinking about everything."

Baekho sighed and patted his head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said so much earlier. I probably ruined your mood."

Minhyun shook his head. "That's... Not it. I... I've been running... Avoiding things that happened to me. Replaced broken parts of myself in hopes they'll stay away. I'm broken... Maybe worse than you. Just a faulty human wearing the skin of a pop star."

"You don't have to hide with me, Minhyun."

Minhyun looked at Baekho and felt the tightness in his nose followed by the tears in his eyes.

"When you told me, you liked me because I'm broken. I think you meant it because you... Are like me too. Something happened to you, right? Something that made you become like this."

Minhyun was silent for awhile. He slowly nodded. "I... Before I became a singer, there was a guy I was with. I loved him... I gave him everything but... I was just blindly in love. For 4 years I dated him and I was so stupid... He never once asked me out for a date, never once held me. I... I thought it was fine because he always said he was busy and that I shouldn't always cling to him. I respected his boundaries. Like a fool, I waited for him. I let him decide when he's finally comfortable enough to hold hands or even hug, not wanting to be hasty since we were young and inexperienced. But after those 4 years, I was starting to lose the feelings that I held onto for so long. It made me scared. So I told him, held him, wished that he would make me feel better, feel like he loved me so I can continue loving him but..."

Baekho listened silently, taking in Minhyun's crying features and all the pain he was holding inside.

"He..." Minhyun cried and shut his eyes, letting his tears drip. Baekho wiped them gently and rubbed his arm as Minhyun breathed and trembled. "He told me if I still love him, then suck him off. He knew I hated the very notion of it. I would always retch whenever I saw him watching porn of blowjobs. I... I did it because there was still a part of me that loved him and... He came... Forced me to swallow it..." Minhyun curled up slightly, clutching his throat. Baekho moved in and embraced him. He suddenly recalled how Minhyun had blanked out after he had given him a blowjob and wondered if that had unintentionally brought back some bad memories.

"It was disgusting. I hated it but I did it and the next thing I knew, he called me a slut and a whore. He just... Broke up with me there and then after slapping me... I didn't know how to feel. What to feel. I waited for him for so long....and that was the payment I got. It just broke me. I threw up so much after and I cried myself to sleep almost every night until my manager found me. Then I became a pop star. Nobody rejected a night with me. As long as I was held, I thought it was fine. One night stands were better than 4 years of empty one sided love. Then you came into the picture and I felt the throbbing in my heart as I once did for him. I know I didn't know you well and that I should have taken things slow but you let me hold you and you said my name when I asked you to, showed up at my hotel door after a few texts. They were small things but it spoke volumes to me. Even though its inexcusable for what I did the second time, when you.... You told me to stop, I became afraid. I suddenly remembered him calling me names and just leaving me... I didn't want to be rejected. I didn't want to be left alone. I didn't want to feel the pain again. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Baekho felt his heart break a little for the man. He blinked his tears away and just held Minhyun tightly. The tall male felt small in his arms as he clung onto him.

"I shouldn't have hurt you. I should have listened to you. I should have stopped. Talked it out. I shouldn't have made you do what you didn't want. I'm not better than him. An asshole. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve to be held. You were right to push me away."

Minhyun's voice trembled so much that Baekho was afraid it might break as if it was glass. "You're safe here in my arms, Minhyun. Just let it all out." He let out a shaky breath as well, feeling emotional just from Minhyun's voice alone. Minhyun cried and whimpered in a sharp pitch, holding onto Baekho. Feeling suffocated by his own tears, he let it all out. Cried and cried.

Finally letting it go.

Baekho felt his trembles died down and looked down at the lock of hair just buried on his chest. He heard soft breaths and wondered if Minhyun had cried himself to sleep. He started thinking again. Had he not tell anyone else about what happened? His parents that were still alive? His friends? There were just too many things he still didn't know about Minhyun too and everything he did know was related to his pop star life, a fake persona that had completely buried this raw genuine male in his arms. But after hearing Minhyun's story, he understood him a little better now. Why he did what he did and why he suddenly became this meek male again. Minhyun wasn't attracted to Baekho's broken side because he was perfect. No, he was attracted because he himself connected with it. The feeling of losing something so important that it leaves you empty and hollow. And to do things to just fill it all up. They both were the same. Baekho would plunge himself into danger just to get more information for the case but so would Minhyun just for him. Baekho didn't know why it took him so long to realise this and he wasn't sure if knowing made him feel better.

But if there was one thing he knew now, Minhyun was broken just like him.