Spotlight Oblivion

CHAPTER 3

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong nakatayo at nakatunganga doon bago makapagdesisyong umuwi. For a few minutes, I just stood there, surprised and confused. Ano bang problema niya? Ba't siya nangingialam? At pagkatapos niya akong sermonan, binigyan niya ako ng payong at panyo? Definitely weird! Huminga ako nang malalim bago sumuong sa ulan.

Lalo pang lumakas ang ulan sa daan. Humahampas ang malakas na hangin kasabay ng malakas na buhos ng ulan na sinamahan pa ng panaka-nakang kulog at kidlat. Mukhang may bagyo pa yata kaya kahit may payong na ako eh umuwi pa rin ako na basang-basa.

When I reached home, I immediately washed myself and drank a lot of water. After I changed into comfortable clothes, I went to check if my mother's already asleep. Napatigil ako sa tangkang pagkatok nang marinig ko ang mahinang pagsinghot mula sa loob.

I slowly turned the doorknob and there I saw my mother silently crying. Nakatalikod siya sa akin habang hawak ang isang picture frame. It was probably our first family picture. Back when I was still young, when we were still happy and complete. Back when we were still a family. My chest tightened at the sight.

My father left us when I was still five or six years old. At my young age, I knew that something was wrong. I was aware that my parents were fighting. I knew that our family was falling apart. Kahit hindi nila ipinapaalam sa akin, alam ko kasi nando'n ako sa kwarto, nakikinig sa mga sigawan nila habang umiiyak at yakap ang mga laruan.

That night, he left us. My father, who was the first man that I loved, was also the first to hurt me a lot. I hate him. I hate him for leaving us and starting another family of his own. Hindi ba kami sapat?

But I also think that it's better this way. Kasi matatawag pa rin ba itong pamilya ang sama-sama kahit wala nang saya? Pero sana man lang, kahit na hindi na sila magkasama, hindi niya ipinagkait sa akin ang pagkakataong magkaroon ng isang ama.

"A-anak, nand'yan ka na pala." I was about to walk back to my room when my mother noticed my presence. "K-kanina ka pa?"

With a heavy heart, I turned to face her, only to see her puffing eyes and reddened nose. Mas lalo pang naninikip ang dibdib ko. Tinawid ko ang distansiya sa pagitan namin. I quickly enveloped her into a hug. She chuckled a bit and eventually hugged me back. I buried my face in her neck. Bahagya niya namang hinagod-hagod ang likuran at buhok .

"M-ma, stop crying over him. He doesn't deserve us," I said in between our hug, trying to prevent myself from crying.

"Naku, 'eto talagang anak ko oh. 'Di ba sabi ko sa'yo 'wag na 'wag kang magtanim ng galit sa kaniya kasi kahit anong mangyari, kahit ano pa man ang nagawa niya, tatay mo pa rin siya," she said softly.

"Tatay? Ma, he only bears the title of being my father, pero hindi niya ginampanan ang pagiging ama sa akin at lalo na pagiging mabuting asawa sa'yo," pagak akong tumawa.

I could still remember how I would wake up in the middle of night just to see them fighting, witness him hurt her. Masakit pero wala akong magawa kung hindi ang umiyak. Akala ko perpekto kaming pamilya. Like a perfect family, we would always go to the park every Sunday, watch movies together, but suddenly he changed. Binago siya ng kaniyang mga bisyo. I must have forgotten that there's no such thing as perfection.

Naramdaman ko naman siyang umiiling-iling.

"Hindi. Alalahanin mo ang mga masasayang alaala natin kasama siya, 'yong mga panahon na inihele ka niya. 'Yon ang panghawakan mo bago nagbago ang lahat."

Wala akong naramdaman kung hindi awa para sa nanay ko. She has always been so kind. Madaling magpatawad. And I just can't accept that some have even the guts to take advantage of her kindness, and the painful truth is that my father was one of them.

"I love you, ma. Hindi kita iiwan," I softly whispered. I tightened my embrace, letting her know that I won't ever leave her like what my father did. I would stay by her side through thick and thin. Kahit anong mangyari, kahit pa ilang beses akong maligaw, sa kaniya lang ako uuwi, sa yakap at kalinga niya.

She's my home.

***

For the nth time, I grunted in frustration. Hindi ako makatulog. Kanina pa ako pagulong-gulong sa higaan. Nakailang abot na ako ng 100, at ilang balik sa 1, hindi pa rin ako makatulog. Ilang tupa na rin ang nabilang ko. Anak ng tupa naman oh! Patulugin mo na ako. Parang-awa mo na.

I reached for my cellphone on the table right just beside me. It's almost 2 am and I'm still wide awake. Kasalanan to ng lalaking 'yon eh. I can't seem to get him off my mind. Kahit ipikit ko ang mga mata ko, siya pa rin ang lumilitaw. Those deep eyes that bear so much emotion. Sobrang seryoso at... at parang malungkot?

"Hala tama!" I quickly opened my eyes when I remembered that I still didn't know his name. I'm just gonna ask Chris tomorrow. Tutal kasama naman niya 'yon sa play. I'll just tell him that I need to give back his umbrella and handkerchief. "Tama, tama," I gently nodded, agreeing. Nababaliw na ata ako. Pati sarili kinakausap ko na.

Kailan ko kaya siya makikita ulit?

Napabalikwas ako sa higaan nang marinig ang malakas na katok sa pintuan. Mayamaya'y naramdaman ko ang sikat ng araw na dumampi sa balat ko. I slowly opened my eyes. Hinahawi ni mama ang kurtina at binubukasan ang mga bintana. "Nak, kain ka na. 'Wag ka munang pumasok. Mukhang may lagnat ka," sabi ni mama sabay dampi ng palad sa noo ko. "May sinat ka nga."

"Susunod na po," mahinang sagot ko at saka siya lumabas.

I slowly got up from bed. Napasapo ako sa ulo nang makaramdam ako nang bahagyang pagkahilo. Mabigat at parang binibiyak ito dagdag pa ang nanunuyong lalamunan. I probably got cold last night. I slightly squinted my eyes to check the time. It was almost nine in the morning. I then told Fran I won't be going to school today. Ayos lang naman siguro. Wala naman akong gagawin. Sa susunod na araw pa kasi matatapos ang week-long celebration ng founding anniversary ng school.

I spent my whole day sleeping and eating. At bahagyang nawala na rin ang lagnat ko nang gumabi na. I shifted on my seat as I was talking to Fran on the phone. I sat near the window, watching the busy street below, appreciating the smooth glow of lights from the street and cars. It felt so refreshing.

"Gwapo ba?" she giggled playfully. I tightened the grip on my jacket when I felt the touch of the cold wind. I put some strands of my hair at the back of my ear, as the wind slightly freed them from its tie.

"Gaga ka talaga," I said as I rolled my eyes. She just laughed loudly on the next line. I was talking to Fran about the guy from the rain last night. "Siya 'yong nasa play. 'Yong parang jowa ng babae do'n. Kilala mo 'yon?"

"Type mo?"

"Oo, ba't ba?" I asked in return. She went silent for a little. "Hoy, andiyan ka pa? Frangels, Earth 'to!"

"Sorry! May kinuha lang eh. 'Eto naman," she said, defending herself. "Hindi ko kilala. Pero gwapo nga 'yon!" then she laughed again. "Anyway, punta ka bukas. Punta tayo sa mga booth ng clubs. Come on, Miette! Let's have fun."

"Mama mo," bara ko. "'Ge na. Bukas na lang." I then hung up the call and lie down on the bed.

I will definitely come. Makikita ko kaya siya bukas? I hope so.

I closed my eyes and dozed off into sleep with Hypnos pulling me into his cold embrace.