I was about to sleep. As I was closing the windows and curtain in my room, I asked myself, "Why can't I sleep without the curtains and windows closed? Why can't I sleep without the door locked? Why can't I sleep without the lights off?"
I took the pen, and wrote my answer.
I can't sleep without the curtains and windows closed, door locked and lights off because I am vulnerable. I live in a world where I am safe, where I feel secured. I can't stay unguarded though, because the last time I did that, I lost a lot. I can't lose myself.
Darkness, silence and the feeling of emptiness in it, that's my sanctuary. That's where I am safe and secured. And that's where I can completely too my guard down.
They even say, that's where I'm good at. I'm good at closing out the world around me.
Living in a make out world of imagination and far from reality, that's where I am good at. That's where I felt peace. Peace from the outside world, peace away from my self destructive thoughts, peace from everyone and everything, that's what I need.
Because that's where I am good at. I am good at pretending. Pretending to be okay, pretending that nothing is wrong, pretending that everything will fall back into their own places, pretending to pretend, that's where I am good at. And also hoping that I will forget that I am only pretending.
So, if you'll ask me why I can't sleep without the curtains and windows closed, door locked and lights off, because in that place I can stop pretending. That's the ONLY place I can stop pretending and just be me.
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An Ounce of Weirdness
Kurgu OlmayanThis book is a compilation of my Episodes of #WordVomit Word Vomit is my way to express myself freely through writing. Everytime a thought comes into my mind, words would storm out. The moment I realized it, I found myself writing the words coming o...
