Love of the Times...! // காலங்கள் ஓய்ந்தாலும் காதல்...!

Emotions

I have never felt it this way.., but today I mean it. I think I shouldn't have had her in my life after she said;
"Ozi... I never had hopes about you. I never have seen you in that way. You are just a good friend of mine. I really love... this, the bond between us. I love the company you give. I have never thought about love or being in a relationship with you. A relationship for me and you won't work. It's better if we are friends."

I know, I should never have told her that I love her. I knew this is love... a pure form of love. From the moment I knew to now, I have gone through a lot trying to express that feeling to her and trying to hide it whenever I felt if she will feel uncomfortable.
What made me tell her?
She said she has a serious crush on someone. Yes, it's just a crush so why should I overact on that?
Because of my fear.! Not only for me... all those who have crushes would have that... fear of losing the person.
Because of that one fear... I broke out the truth. I said I love her...
Fffuuuuuhhhh.... (After a deep breath)

Only I know what I feel now. I can't speak a single word. My mouth keeps blabbering... lips, hands, legs and the whole body keeps shivering while the eyes started tearing.
I know... when I can sense my own voices' shivering, I should understand that I should do something to gain myself back.

I had no option but to go through the pain. I wanted to face it. I know I'm not strong enough.
I did what my heart said.

I wanted to speak to her. I wanted her support, I knew I need her whenever I go through such scary emotions I tried reaching her. I called her again and again and again. But she blocked me. I never thought of such an action.
She said to me...
"Ozi... I never thought of such stuff with you. I will not have too. So don't bug me around with such ideas. I thought you're a good friend. If you keep on saying these I am gonna hang up this call. I don't wanna hurt you by doing that. Now say me if you will have the same thought again or put it off?"

How dare she asks such a rude question. I felt it damn truly that I can't just put it off. It was from within, a feel and it was divine. Moreover, I can't cheat on her. So I said I can't do it at once. But I begged her to give me a chance.
Huhhh...
guess what she did afterward?
She did not cut the call. She removed her earphones and started talking to her friends.
I felt humiliated, she should have cut the call. If she had done that, it would have hurt her but this, she insulted me.

I couldn't do anything. Musi was out of the town, on a trip. Riky was busy with the business. I had no option.
Packed my things needed for two days. Took my jacket and the helmet. You know what next...
I don't care who leaves me until I have my bike. She'll always be my first love...

This journey was new to her... and me too.
I was in tears until I got ready. I couldn't inform anyone actually I didn't. I got on the bike and all I wanted was to get disappeared.
For the first time in my life, I felt like to get disappeared from myself.
Put my phone off, got my earphones on, with the shades on my face and gloves on my hands.
Escaped from the village rushingly and my home town easily. From there onwards I felt I wanna go until the road ends.
Tears on my eyes continuously. I could stop neither my tears nor myself. It's true that when we are broken, we listen to the lyrics of a song than music. So the songs on my earphones decided my speed.
I have experienced tears when the wind is on my face, while on a bike ride. For the very first time, I experienced a bike ride when I am in tears.
My eyes kept on making my face wet while the wind kept on drying them. Whenever I had to slow down, the emotions did overtake me and I started crying more and more. I stopped my bike in several places to put off my frustrations.
Whenever I was speed, the wind pushed me very hard and that made me feel like if she's pushing me out of her life. Whenever there was a vehicle overtaking me, I felt like giving that guy a chance with her. Whenever there were near misses I felt good that she pushed me out from a massive accident. Whenever I was calm and trying to love that journey I felt like if she betrayed me.
Betrayed me by being very very close to me... being that one and only beside me.
Either she shouldn't have been attached to me or she should have stopped me from having hopes. She never did any.
Several times I felt like to go hit by a vehicle coming from the opposite side.
Several times I stopped in places where I could see some mountains, birds, sceneries and absorb some chill breeze.
Some times I stopped my bike, removed the helmet, lay myself down on the Fuel tank, and kept on thinking...

Remember... whenever our heart is in an ache, never ever overthink.
But, overthinking is the only thing we can do in such situations. Again I cried.
I was crying loud. I was screaming near roadside shops, between the mountains, inside the tunnels, beside the lakes, and within the crowds.
I tell you again... It was not easy... It was a hell that I wish, not even my enemy shouldn't go through.
Just one person in your life can turn your Tears into a smile and Smile into tears; that person in my life was Janii.

It took me nearly six hours to travel two hundred kilometers. I would have crossed two hundred kilometers within three to four hours if it was just a random ride. But this one was a journey of my life, love, and pains.
I learned one thing off that ride; My bike is an emotion and it's my therapy...

I remember, after six hours of a tough journey towards the Upcountry I reached the Capital city of the Hills.
Throughout the journey, I had only two companions. My bike and nature...

It doesn't matter how much you are in pain, nature does not give you chances. It drives you into the love of the almighty's creatures. That's how my mood was deviated by nature. After every time I admired nature, I felt an excitement, after every excitement I felt an emptiness in my life. That's where my eyes started flooding...

The temperature started driving me crazy. I started overthinking. When the night was becoming darker and darker I felt like my life will never have light thereafter. There were many other travelers in the same lodge. When they all started drinking wines, I felt I wanted to try them. Not because I had a wish to... I wanted to do something to change my mood.
Then I remembered, she's not gonna like it if she comes to know. My mind kept on triggering me to do it.
I was on the couches, I closed my eyes...
I was trying hard to calm myself, control my feelings, and put my memories off.
I failed. The moment I closed my eyes, I saw her smiling at me. When seconds passed one by one, I started seeing all that happened on that day. It triggered me more. Now I decided I'm gonna have a glass of wine.

One gang was partying outside. I knew I can ask for a glass from them. Wherever you go, people will have the talk of the difference in religion, race, and language. They will never even think about all those differences when it comes to Cigarettes and Drinks. If you go join them, all are friends from birth!
While my mind was craving for a glass of wine to surpass all the feelings, my brain was knocking that I should not do it.
I saw a river beside where they were partying. I knew it was damn cold in the night. I knew the water would have been very very cold.
But... still... I jumped...
I never thought about the depth of the water.
That chill water burned my body, froze my skin and blood. Those few minutes of suffering inside the water buried me!