Flowers of Despair

Chapter 9

Dereck meets us on the wraparound porch under the security of its light. He must btting ready be getting ready to leave for work because he's in his police officer uniform. Only Smith is written on his name tag, no Dereck. He's a different him when in uniform, I tell myself. After all, everyone has two sides. Dereck opens the door for me and then heads to the car, probably for the bags.

Annie puts her hand on my back, steering me down a dark hallway. At the end, she opens a door and turns on the light. The room is surprisingly spacious yet comfy. There's a full sized bed in the cornor, across from it is a T.V. There's a stero system and a small fire place. In front of the window, there's a desk and chairs. On the other side of the room is a closet that's bigger than the bed. 

"This is your new room," Annie says.

"Really?" You can here the awe in my voice. Annie only nods. "Can we turn on the radio?" Annie moves to the nightstand, opening a draw and retrieving a remote. with a click, music begins to play from every corner. She changes it to CD's and draws one out of the bag on the floor. That's weird. It looks like the one i have at home. 

Annie looks at me then, "I hope you don't mind. Dereck went back to your house and grabbed a few things, including all of your CD's." She looks guilty, but in a way, I'm thankful. I really could use some of my old memories right about now. 

"It's fine. Can you show me where they go in at and how to make them play?" Annie smiles and stands up, walking across the room toward the T.V. After she shows me how to work it, she leaves me alone. I can hear her feet pattering down the hallway, fading slowly until I'm enveloped in silence. 

I go over to my bag and look through all my CD's, trying to find the right one. I start to get frustrated because I can't find it. Then, when I'm about to give up, I find it on the very bottom of the bag, hiden from view.

I pull out the CD and walk over to the player in the wall. The CD begins playing instantly, but very softly. I slowly turn it up not quite sure how loud I can have it. I do remember Annie telling me that they were on the other side of the house and a different floor so I turn the music up even louder,  causing the speakers to raddel and vibrate the walls.

I go back to my bag and look for something to sleep in. All I find is one of Max's t-shirts that I kept. I look for anything else but find nothing. Reluctantly, I put it on only because I want to get out of these clothes.

As soon as I get it over my head,  I flinch while tears blur my vision; it still smells like him and that summer night. I climb into bed light headed and leave the blankets at the foot of the bed,  not wanting to his smell be tanted by something else. The pillows are also from my room,  even the one I never used because it reminded me to much of Max. I bury my face in it,  inhaling as deeply as I can before I fall asleep with his name in my lips and are doing playing in the background.

~~

I wakeup screaming but not remembering what caused it. I'm covered in sweat, my shirt stuck to my body. My face is buried in the pillows, muffling the screams. I lay still trying to catch my breath. I can feel a faint whisper of fingers running up my back,  teasing. I must have been dreaming about that night again.

The music's still playing,  only two songs after the first one. I guess it didn't take long for the nightmares to begin tonight. Nobody comes to me. I roll onto my back and star into the darkness, the only source of light coming from the stars that manage to peek through the shades.

Someone must have come in at some point because there's a glass of water in the night table. I gratefully gulp it down. My mind won't stop racing, going from thing to another. My bodies itching to move, but I only try to find a comfortable position and slow my mind down in an attempt to go back to sleep.

After a few minutes of trying to lay still on my side, I roll back over onto my back and concentrate on the music, each note, the emotion in every word and the way it moves my both mentally and physically. It slowly soothes me back into a dreamless sleep that I am thankful for.

~~

I wake up to the sun shining in through the window, casting a haze over the room. There are sounds coming from down stairs and the smell of food wafting under the door. I don't know what time it is but it can't be to late in the day. 

I sit up and throw my legs over the side of the bed. As soon as they touch the wood flooring, a chill runs through my body. I quickly shuffle over to my bag and grab socks, putting them on before anything else. Once I get them on and start to feel my toes again, I search for the sweatpants I throw somewhere last night. It takes me awhile even though there's nothing in the room. I find them sticking out from under the edge of the bed. They feel like ice on my skin as i slide them over my legs, resting them low on my hips.