Flowers of Despair

Chapter 7

We get facials and deep tissue massage and many pedies. I get a deep red color while Annie gets a lavender with sparkles.

"I had an amazing time," I can't help but smile at Annie. "We should do that again soon."

Annie giggles. "Okay, we'll see."

When we get back to the car, I don't know what we are going to do now or where I'm going to go.

"So what now?" I'm scared of what she might say. She could be taking me back to the hospital so I can be with my brother or she could turn me into child services. Either way, I don't want this day to end. Not yet.

"Shopping remember? That's the reason we left in th--." My stomach growls really loud cutting her off mid-sentence. She looks at me funny but still smiles, "But maybe we should go get some lunch first." I just nod and begin to laugh.

We stop at a drive through and Annie gets two burgers and french fries and I only get a salad. She looks over at me with a funny expression. "What?" I ask, defensive. She just shakes her head and moves up to the window.

Once we have our food, we park and eat in silence. The only noise is the radio, playing something soft. I lean over and turn it up just a little. As a new song comes on, I freeze mid-bite. When Annie realizes what's wrong, she reaches out to change the station.

"Don't," I say with more force than I meant too, causing her to flinch. "Don't," I say, softer this time. I put my salad down, not hungry anymore even though I hardly took two bites. I lean back in the seat and close my eyes as the memories come crashing back to me.

Every time my family got together with the Adams, we would always play this song, along with others, on an endless circle of multiple CD's. I'm back on the beach in Florida, watching the sun go down while sitting around a fire eating and laughing; during our summer barbecues, sitting in lawn chairs with a cold glass of lemonade for the kids and wine or rum for the adults. I remember the time when Max and I snuck a bottle of rum after dark, taking it into the basement and passing the bottle back and forth, sipping and grimacing as it burned our throats, but drinking it until it was empty.

I remember the way it slowly warmed us from the middle outward, and doubling over with laughter. One time, on a warm, summer evening, after drinking one bottle each while everyone was outside with all the neighbors, we were leaning on each other, laughing. We were trying to stay sitting when our faces were mere inches apart. We were both breathing hard, not moving a muscle, then without saying anything, I laid back and Max followed me back, hovering over me the whole time. "What if we are cau--" I began but Max cut me off. "We wont be," he says.

He closed the distance between us and pressed his lips against mine. It was slow at first because I hadn't kissed anyone before. Once we got into a rhythm, it got faster, more needy, more desire and want. He fumbled with the heem of my dress, tugging it higher and higher until he could get it off. Once it was off, I grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head. As soon as it was off, his mouth crashed into mine, faster than before. He presses his body against mine, moving to this song. I run my hands over his body, feeling the cords of muscle that run the length of his arms, the dips and curves of his back.

He moves from my mouth to my neck to my navel, leaving a trail of butterfly kisses down my body. He runs his tongue around the circumference, causing chills to run up my body. I feel his smile as he runs his tongue over my collar bone. He nips at it and begins to leave a hicky. I push him gently away, but he comes right back, smiling. I laugh and run my hands over his sculpted chest and down his rock hard abs. As i begin to fumble with his belt, he sits back and undoes it, pulling it loose. As I get the button undone on his jeans, he helps me get them off. Now there is only thin peices of fabric between us. He kisses me slowly, making me arch into his body. When my backs off the ground, he unsnaps my bra, pulling it away from my body.

"Your so beautiful," he murmers against my lips. My breathing is raged and makes it hard to reply.

"I'm ready," is all I say, and in those two words, his whole deminor changes. He goes rigid for a split second before fumbling for his wallet. He presses himself against me and suddenly we are both completely sober.

"Are you sure?" He wont do it without making sure that I'm absolutly positive.

"Yes," I say and kiss him again, convaing everything that I need to in that one action.

~҉~

When I open my eyes, I'm back in the car with Annie. The song has ended but left a smile on my lips and tears in my eyes. Annie doesn't say anything, just starts the car and heads toward the mall. I forgot about shopping while in my memory of my old life. A life that is dead now.

We don't speak until we pull into one of the mall lots. "Where do you want to go first?" Annie asks. I just shrug, still in a daze from the flash back.

I follow her as she walks, not really paying attention to where we are. I don't take my eyes off her shoes because everytime I look up, I see him. He's to my right, then behind me, then across the parking lot. Once we enter the store, I begin to see more shoes and prices of clothing.

Annie stops every few feet to pick up a new thing and ask my opinion. I never answer but she replies as if I have, putting some cloths in the cart and others back. When she finally gets the cart full, we walk to a dressing room so I can try them on.

Alone in the dressing room, I look at myself in the mirror after taking off my clothes. Who is this girl? She's a ghost of who I used to be. I have bags under bloodshot eyes. I'm all angels and hard edges where I used to be soft and curvy. I lost more weight than I thought. I bet if I even saw Max now he wouldn't recognize me, let alone love me. I shake that thought and begin to try things on.

Not even half way through, I can tell none of this is goin to fit me. Annie looks surprised when I walk out of the dressing room in my own cloths. "Their too big," I say simply and begin to put everything back.

Annie is now following me, looking for smaller sizes in the things I'm putting back. "Try these ones. Their an extra small." She hands me the clothes and pushes me in the direction of the dressing rooms. I sigh and do as she asks, but this time around, I don't look in the mirrors before I change.

The first outfit is a floral print shirt with light skinny jeans paired with black ballet flats. It's not bad if you ignore the way my hips stick out over the low rise jeans. I walk out to show Annie and when she sees me, she gasps.

"You're so small. But that looks amazing!" She motions for me to turn. As I do, you can feel her eyes on me, taking everything in. "We are definitely getting that outfit." It's a fact not a question.

The second one is a pair of flowy skinny pants paired with a red shirt. I grimace when I look in the mirror but show Annie anyways. With a quick shake of the head, I'm back in the dressing room.

A few more strikes out before I grab something good. It's a black mini skirt and a flowy purple sweater that hangs off one shoulder. I see the shoes Annie picked for them but I don't put them on. When I step out, she looks me over and with a question on her face says, "Shoes." I sigh and go back to get the purple pumps that match the shirt. When I emerge again, Annie looked satisfied. "Two down, let's keep it up." She smiles and I go back to the room.

There are a few dresses that we keep and more with jeans and a pretty shirt. When we go to check out, it's over $200 and I begin to protest, saying I don't need all of this, but I am silenced with the location of a hand.

"You're getting these and no if, ands, or buts." She looks at me sternly, waiting for me to argue. I don't, I look down and don't talk for awhile. When we take the bags out to the car, I think we are done but Annie has different plans. "Come on, we aren't done. You are getting your hair done and product to tame that wild main."

We get in the car and drive to the other end of the mall, to the salon. Annie must've called in advance because their waiting for us, ready to go.

"Hello, my name's Tammi and I'll be the one doing your hair today." She smiles at me, if only she knew.