Flowers of Despair

Chapter 5

Looking out the window of the hospital room, I get an itch to move, so I start straightening up around the room. After about five minutes, I can tell it’s not going to help that itching for movement to leave. Then it hits me, like someone telling me from a faraway place I cannot see.

RUN

And so I do. I’m only wearing shorts and a tank top but I don’t care. I run. I run out of the room. I run down the hall. I run through the lobby and out the double glass doors. The cold hits me like a punch but I don’t stop. I keep running, hard and fast. I’ve already started sweating, pushing the cold out of my body. I move to the street, nobody’s awake. It’s 1:27 am. I don’t have anything with me. No money, no phone or watch, nothing. Just me, myself and I.

When I finally can’t stand anymore, I fall to the ground and wait for my body to work again. My legs are shaking, my lungs burn, my heart is pounding. Before my body is ready, I stand and begin the normally short walk back to the hospital. It feels like miles and miles away but its only two blocks. The walk is hell. My body aches all over. That was a bad idea, but now the itch is gone and I’m safe.

It takes many stops and rests before I finally make it to the hospital doors. When I walk through them, I’m once again hit by a chill that goes to bone. I collapse on the nearest chair and almost fall off. I can’t feel my legs, they’re like Jell-O, unable to hold me and this fat body. A nurse comes over with a cup of water, but I cannot drink it because my breathing is ragged and my heart won’t slow down.

I don’t know how long I sit there before I feel a light touch on my knee.

“Hey there soldier. How are you doing?”

By now my breathing has evened out and my heart is almost back to normal. When I open my eyes, I see Dereck in front of me in a crouch. And I can’t help it, I smile. Everyday sense the first day after the accident, Dereck has been here around 6:00 am. Which means I’ve been away from my brother for more than five hours.

“Better,” is all I can say. He nods once and stands. When I don’t stand to he reaches out a hand and offers it to me. I gladly take it and get pulled to my feet. My legs are still a little shaky, but they are stiff more than anything.

We walk in silence to floor 3, room 329. Walking helps the stiffness in my legs. Damn I’m stupid. I really should have stretched after that run.

Before too long we make it up the stairs and into the hall. As we are walking down, I notice my brother’s door is open. The nurses usually don’t come at this time. I brush it off as nothing. Maybe I just forgot to close it when I ran out.

As we approach the door, I hear a voice. A female voice.

Mom.     

I don’t think, I just run into the room, saying “Mom!” Only it’s not my mom. This woman has dark brown hair that cascades down her back in soft wave, big round brown eyes was if she’s startled, and thin pink lips. Not my mom.

I collapse to the ground before Dereck comes into the room. “What happened?” he asks, but I cannot answer. I crying again and I can’t stop. I should have known she wasn’t my mom. My mom was in an accident days ago. But I haven’t been able to tell myself that she’s gone yet.

I feel him sit down on the ground next to me and feel his arms wrap around my body. He begins to rock as I hear the women answer. “She thought I was her mother.” Her voice is shaking, on the verge of breaking, like me. After that we all sit in silence. It feels like hours before I stop crying again, but it’s only been 13 minutes. Dereck doesn’t let go of me though. We continue to sit on the floor holding each other. When I finally nod and let go, Dereck helps me stand.

“This is my wife, Annie,” Dereck point at the woman who was talking earlier. I give a small wave and move to the window, my back to them.

There’s a few beats of silence before they speak again. “We were wondering if you’d like to come to our house on Thanksgiving.” Annie is talking in a low voice, as though I’m a nuclear bomb that will explode any minute. When I don’t answer right away she continues to talk. “It’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable leaving your brother alone, but I think it would be good to get out of here for a day, have a nice warm meal, be around people…” she lets her voice drift off, letting the sentence continue in space, in my thoughts.

I turn around and look at them. Their happy and look amazing together. Annie has a look of hope one her face, biting her lip like a child on Christmas day hoping they got that toy they asked Santa for. And I don’t want to see her face collapse with anguish when she realizes that she didn’t get the Barbie she begged for. So instead of saying no, I just nod and hope I don’t break down in front of their family.

She claps with joy and cheers a little, stamping her feet. She got her Barbie while I got charcoal. “Well, I’ll let everyone know we are having a very special guest this year. This is going to be great!” She looks between me and her husband with the biggest smile I have ever seen. It looks as though if it got any bigger, her face would crack. Dereck has a hand on her shoulder and is smiling down at her.

“But I don’t have anything to wear. We’ve never really celebrated much or got dressed up for anything.” And it’s true, I don’t have anything. We’ve never went all out, the only thing changed was the food and saying thanks.

Annie’s smile falters for a split second before it’s shining even brighter. “Then let’s go shopping! You can pick out what you’d like to wear and if you want I can tell you about the family!” I’m a little scared to agree, but I don’t want to destroy her hope. Maybe I can hope too. Pretend that they are my parents, and that this normal for use. So instead I fake a smile and say yes.

“This is going to be great! I’m going to grab the car and we can go and have a girl’s day!” she’s laughing like a little kid, jumping up; she kisses Dereck and turns to me. She looks like she’s going to hug me but thinks better of it. She just squeals and claps her hands, all giddy. “I’ll see you downstairs in five minutes.” And with that, she’s out of the door.

As soon as I can’t hear her heels clacking on the floor, I drop my smile. Dereck comes over and puts him arm over my shoulders. “Thank you, Maya. She really was hoping you would agree. I haven’t seen her that happy in weeks. Not since…” he stops.

“Not since, what?” I ask, now curious.

“Not since we found out that she can’t have children.” There’s a look in his eyes, but it’s gone before I can figure out what it was. I look back at Sam, laying still on the bed and hearing Annie talk to him. Oh.