I Still...

Chapter 8

She stood motionless in front of the door of her father's hospital room feeling like her chest is close to caving in from the bomb that exploded on her face that afternoon with Carswell. One bomb that turned everthing crystal-clear.

They all lied to her.

Jiyong lied to her.

Her father lied to her.

She had spent so many years in contained misery... cried herself until her eyes couldn't take anymore at night and then pretending everything is alright the next day. She had spent years questioning her worth and why she wasn't enough.... The pain of being left behind... of being hurt... to be on the losing end....

Why? What did she ever do to deserve this?

The disbelief turned into anger and the anger turned into tears. The pain constricted her chest making it impossbile to breathe that she ran to the rooftop to get some air after Carswell left.

"Kwon Jiyong was cornered and your father took that opportunity," Carswell was saying, his soft voice soothing despite the news he was bringing. "Ultimately, it became a choice between his mother and you." He watched Dara's face fill with hurt, betrayal... disbelief. "Your father only did what he thought was right for you at the time." Carswell's voice was gentle but Dara felt the words slapping her across the face. She could not believe what she just heard. It just couldn't be true. This is... too much to ever happen in real life.

"So he lied to me?" Dara asked her voice shaking. "He watched me cry...--" the tears started to form in her eyes, the level of betrayal from her own father slowly killing her. "—for Jiyong.... I cried to him and told him he was right about Jiyong...."

"He's a father, Miss Dara," Carswell said. "And you are his only daughter. He wants to ensure your future is resolute in case... he would no longer be there. And he had never believed that Kwon Jiyong would be able to give you that." Carswell watched as tears fell from Dara's eyes. "I understand how you're feeling but you also have to understand where your father is coming from."

Dara wiped the tears from her eyes as she stood up unable to take this, the number of Jiyong's checks crumpled on her father's desk. She couldn't put her head around it. Her father using Jiyong's mother as a way to make him leave her... the benevolent father she adored and respected... the father that she is proud to have because he's unlike any controlling fathers.... All lies.

"Your father is nothing but protective," Carswell continued. "Especially with the people he cared about. More so with you."

Dara lifted her tear-streaked face to look at her father's loyal assistant. "Don't make excuses for him. He manipulated us. He manipulated me. He manipulated my life." Carswell silently watched her as she cried in anger, frustration, and hurt. "I gave him everything he wants, didn't i? I try to make him happy, to make him proud of me... so why? Why?" She sobbed. Words could never articulate the pain she is feeling right now. All those years... hate, pain, anguish.... All the lies... the extent of it. It's like going back to that day when her world seemed to fall apart.

The time when her dad was the only one who held it together.

When he knew he was the one who caused it.

"I only asked for a chance to live my life with my choices," Dara continued sobbing. "I promised him I would do what he wants me to do but I would just like to have a choice... one choice.... But he had to manipulate that to make it seem like the choice I made was wrong. Why can't he just be happy for me? All these years he never told me the truth. All these years, I hated Jiyong.... All these years I thought he only used me... and I told dad he was right about him but he knew.... Dad knew all along."