The Apocalyptic Turd Part II - A Little Story by @MadMikeMarsbergen

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by Ooorah

Dedicated to PhonerionBallznevsky

by Ooorah

Part I was originally written for the Tevun-Krus #2: Post-Apocalyptic drabble contest. It was the winning entry and was featured in the following issue. Here it is now, though, before the sequel!

Part I

Have you ever taken a dump so deadly that it burnt a huge hole in the atmosphere, causing lethal amounts of solar radiation to seep in and burn everybody alive, killing off the planet's population? No? I have. It stinks. Then I fired up my rocket ship and got the hell out of Dodge. Here I am, up in the gaping black butthole of space, watching as the world burns below me. I'm the last man alive. I'm lonelier than a dry sponge out of water. I'm cold, tired, and horny. Thankfully, I've got these porno magazines keeping me company.

Part II

Turns out I wasn't the last person alive. Yeah, I know—say what? My nukie dookie only killed almost everybody, and I found that out while I was whacking it to my dirty porno magz. Heard the ship's inbox get stuffed, you see, and I came from surprise at hearing the inbox chime more than anything.

Once I was sufficiently clean, I propelled myself through my one-room ship to the answering machine.

I hit play and heard the sweet sound of an angel's voice. Female, likely hot because of that fact, but my standards were dropping every second I spent alone on my spaceship, orbiting a dying Earth.

"Heeeeeey, are you the asshat who took that Earth-shattering shit? Don't bother coming up with some sort of fake name, because I know who you are. Hans Gusseldorff III, rich motherfucker. Only you could afford to build a spaceship. Well guess what, dickhead: My name is Gabriella Herssdotter, and I come from a long line of wealthy assholes, too. I've got my own spaceship. And by the time you've finished listening to this message, I'll have rigged your ship with explosives and flown back to the wasteland that is my home. Thanks for killing everyone I ever loved. B'bye."

Pushing along to the window, I saw another ship soaring back down towards Brown Earth. It let out a warp trail that read FUCK OFF, with the final F fizzling out for what can only be described as metres of outer-space.

Then the ship blew up and I died.

Shit, I really fucked up, didn't I?