Haha.. I don't have anyone to talk to because I can't fucking trust anyone. I lost online friends because I'm too clingy and I have a mental disorder that causes me to lose control of my emotions and overshare. It's like being brutally honest but only sharing negative shit that comes straight from your mind when you get sad and upset.
I get blamed for everything. I was supposed to come up with a plan to get adopted by my friends sister but no COVID-19 came along and ruined my hopes.
Who am I kidding? My dog has it worse. He went through a year of abuse. Even though I went through it for 12 years (or my whole life). I'm supposed to turn 13 in December. I'm hoping that the world won't end. But you can dream.. am I right?
The abuse.. it was mental and mostly verbal. But the punishments. People would laugh because I say they hit me with a tree branch. But it left bruises or marks. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from this. If only I had run away at 9 years old.
I hate the feeling when my parents yell at morning or night. I have insomnia now. I drink coffee, I act mature just so I can get a job at 14 and gain money to save up for an apartment. If only I was 18. I could get away for once. My brother is no help either. As a child he hit me and gave me scars or bruises sometimes. Talk about "tough love". My dad compared me to him. Told me that I couldn't protect myself because I was weak and I was a fat girl.
My metabolism is low and I starve myself for 12 hours each day thanks to quarantine. It's not on purpose but I never feel hungry. I never leave my bed. Maybe it's for the better.
I also tried cutting last year but the scissors wouldn't pierce my skin. I also know that if it did I wouldn't be able to patch it up and hide it successfully.
My dog already gives me scratches and cuts. I don't have to do it myself at least. But I have tons of scars everywhere thanks though.
My mom just loves to sexually harrass me by touching my ass. She also touches my chest as a younger child. She made fun of my chest too. I feel insecure thanks to my old classmates. There is one specific group of people that pin point on every part of my body. My teeth, my ass, my legs, my face, my hair, my hands, my everything.
I wanted to commit suicide but I can't give up yet. I know it's hard for others but I want to live up to my goals and be a police officer or a foster parent. I want to cosplay, go transgender, love myself, but with all these people I can't.
I'm tired of waiting and hiding everything that I just burst. I can't cry or do anything without my parents threatening to take away my phone. My brother found my instagram once and he told on me. I never feel safe. I wonder why I have to go through shit. Is it because I feel transgender? Is it because I'm polysexual? What did I do to be born in a hell house.
Honestly I just want friends and a place to run to. But nobody would want me. I'm just a fat, ugly, shy, girl.
Did I mention, people always called me racist online as a kid? I'm not racist. I was born as a mixed "girl". But I can't decide to believe if I was adopted. I look neither white or black. I should be darker if my dad is black and my mom is pale? Whatever..
I just want people to know that I can talk if you need help. I can listen but I'm not the best with advice. Take this from me.
Bottling up your emotions and hiding secrets does nothing.
If you can't afford a therapist or your parents won't get you one like me, then find a different family member or a very very trustworthy friend to talk with.
Don't follow my steps and make the wrong choices. If you have, then know you can always change it and start talking with someone.
I won't put any motivational comments because I know those don't help most of the time, they usually make people cry and then deny their help.
I just wanted to say that everyone has obstacles they put up with. So stop thinking that "people have it worse than me" truth be told, everyone goes through shit. Nobody is perfect. If you don't believe me then let me ask, do you listen to the meanings of sad songs? They make songs sad, happy, etc. But they all have a meaning in them. Songs are like people. Unique and meaningful.
People have different opinions like they have different tastes in music. One person may think badly about themself but another person may envy them. Do you get what I'm saying?
Anyways. I hope you have a good quarantine and if you want to be mutual buddies dm me and I can give you my discord (when I decide to get it again..).
>enjoy a beautiful picture of baby<
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