My Diary

Opening up...(help)

You know I was just reflecting on myself a little and I figured out I'm not who I say I am. I say that I don't care about what anybody thinks of me and that I don't pay attention to people that I don't talk to but the truth is... I do. I do care what people think of me. I wish I didn't but the truth is I do. I don't wear surtían things to school or church because I'm afraid people will think "oh she looks so fat and ugly". I never take pictures with friends even tho I really really want to because I think my smile is ugly and when I do take pictures I try to only get them from my right side of the face or i only take them through Snapchat but selfie way so that it doesn't umm you know like reverse it( if you take from just your phone camera a selfie when you take it it's mirrored and once you take it it un mirrored it idk how to explain it sorry) because I hate the way the other side looks. The truth is I have bell palsy, I got it when I was young because apparently I fell and it just happened. I went to many doctors to treat it but they said that it was "normal" and that "their is nothing they can do" :(. I as a kid in literally 2nd grade I remember deciding not to get my school pictures made even after my parents gave me the money to because I hated that side of my face and especially my smile and I just thought I was so ugly. I would never EVER smile because of a comment this one girl told me in 2nd grade saying I talked weird because like I said I have bell palsy. I want to be the person that is like fuck it I'm beautiful but every time I try to feel like that I see pictures of me and videos my friends took and I see truly how ugly I am how my eyes are different from each other how one side of my mouth lifts up when I smile and the other stays put. I look and seem to only be able to find the imperfections. Because I just am...
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-bell's palsy: Sudden weakness in the muscles on one half of the face.
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-I guess this was also random but like I said this might just be my online journal idk hehe yeah umm I know now one will probably see this but if you do and know anything I can do to get rid of my bell palsy /help make it less noticeable (because I know it's possible) and what I kind of mean is I want to be able to smile how I could when I was a little kid I thought it was truly beautiful but now... I'm just.. let's just say I hate my smile and maybe that's why the first thing I notice on somebody is their smile because deep down that's what I have always wanted.please comment or text me thank you :)