Tamquam Alter Idem

Don't Leave Me Here Alone

I don't think that I've been in love as such,
Although I've liked a few folk pretty well.
Love must be vaster than my smiles or touch,
For brave men died and empires rose and fell
For love: girls followed boys to foreign lands
And men have followed women into Hell.

In plays and poems someone understands
There's something makes us more than blood and bone
And more than biological demands...
For me, love's like the wind, unseen, unknown.
I see the trees are bending where it's been,
I know that it leaves wreckage where it's blown.
I really don't know what "I love you" means.
I think it means "Don't leave me here alone".

—Neil Gaiman

⁂

"You two act like an old married couple," Dorian had said matter-of-factly.

Riah, like the adult that he was, had stuck out his tongue at his very short friend while Adam's back was still turned to them.

"Real mature," Dorian had mumbled, and that was when Adam returned with the hot chocolates.

So that had been the end of it.

⁂

Later, when Adam was napping nestled up comfortably in his arms, Riah was wondering what had prompted Dorian to say that. He and Adam had been together for a while, counting up to one year come late spring, but Riah had never seen his relationship with Adam as being similar to a married couple. They were still too wrapped up in each other to conform to what society usually portrayed marriage as— something boring and too comfortable.

He suddenly wondered if that was how Adam saw their relationship, too; as unexciting. They were napping together on the comfortable couch in their shared apartment on a Friday evening instead of going out and doing what normal young adults were doing. But, despite what his appearance might suggest, Riah had never been one for mindless partying. He'd much rather get drunk somewhere comfortable and alone. And now, with Adam there, he rarely felt the need to mingle with other people at all. Not when they were still running on borrowed time before winter break ended and Adam went back away for his second semester at college.

Riah wished long-distance relationships were easier, but the struggle would be well worth it if it meant he got to keep Adam in his life. However, it did become quite repetitive; the talking over face-time at designated hours and falling asleep on the phone just to feel closer to the other person. Riah didn't mind it, really. He'd do anything to keep talking to Adam, to keep him close.

What if Adam found it too predictable, though?

What if Adam found him too predictable?

Adam was still sleeping soundly, blissfully unaware of the inner turmoil raging inside Riah. Without meaning to, Riah found himself staring at Adam, committing every single detail of him to memory. Because what if, one day, Adam woke up and realised that this was not the life he wanted and he decided to leave Riah?

Adam was so much smarter than him and funnier than him and probably more attractive than him. Adam was way out of Riah's league, and it was only a matter of time before Adam recovered from his abusive childhood enough to realise that fact. What he'd do with that information once he had it, Riah didn't know.

"I can feel you staring, you know," Adam said.

His beautiful blue eyes were still closed, but there was a smile forming on his cupid's bow lips.