This is How You Lost Me (To Be Revised)

This is How We Started

I've known you my whole life, Ivo. In my 19 years of existence, you were already right there from the very start.

We were very close. Maybe it was because of our families who were childhood best friends.

Or maybe because of how close our house is and how Dad used to leave us here while he was busy going back and forth from the hospital, taking care of mom.

Maybe because your parents also treated us their own.

Or maybe because of how close I am with your sister.

Maybe because of everything not of our own accord.

It was laid in front of us. All the factors that sparked this tight friendship of ours.

Everything that led us to be this close was not ours to build. It was just right there from the very beginning.

Even if one of us didn't like the other, we can't deny the significant possibility that soon enough, it will still end up to this. Because we can never change the bond our parents have and how their connection transcended to us. We cannot alter the fact that we see and basically live in each other's house every day, and that's how we came to notice every single detail about each other, the good and the bad.

I cannot change these facts. So, no matter how I didn't like you at first, I've grown fond of you over the years.

And it's scary to think how a perspective can change in that way.

But it's much more frightening to know how the heart changes too.

Because another year in, I have grown to love you in the way I wouldn't expect I would.

We were very comfortable with each other. The hugs and the holding hands were very usual for us. You waiting outside my room, from going home to going to school together, you being there everywhere I am, me being present at your every game, I being the only girl who gets to give you towels and hand you a drink after, and many other things that were our usual until one day, I decided it wasn't.

I couldn't help but put meaning in every gesture, so ever since I noticed that my feelings are starting to change drastically, I put a distance between us.
I stopped doing the things we usually do. Little by little, until you have finally noticed what I was doing, until I was finally out of reasons for my cover up to why I was avoiding you.

I remember the night you confronted me in front of our house. We were just talking. Then suddenly, our voices were booming. We were madly screaming at each other.

You yelled at me, telling me I was changing. That I was not the same old Clau, you used to know. You were frustrated because you were trying to find out what's wrong so you can fix the situation, but I was yelling back at you, denying everything. You knew there's something more, but I stood my ground, making up more lies, hoping it would drift you away from the truth.

Days, became weeks. After that night, we don't stick around each other anymore. And that put everyone in a puzzle.

Because almost everyone knows that we were always together.

We were a promo, a buy one take one as they call it.

I knew it was my fault. But how can I straight up tell you what I felt when I made you believe in the 19 years of our existence that I still held on to the fact that friends should just remain friends or else it would ruin everything.

Maybe you had enough of my whole farce because one afternoon, you confronted me. I just finished my class, and you barged inside and held my hand, dragging me outside.

I couldn't even complain. I just let you dragged me until we ended up in our spot, under the shade of the last tree on the soccer field. I sat down as you let go of my hand and waited for you to talk.

But you remained quiet, and I didn't know what to say, so I continued to do so too.

Despite the silence, the hot weather, and the grass beginning to itch my skin, I felt comfortable. As long as it's with you, everything can feel like home.

"How much longer?" You asked in a low voice.

I didn't answer because I didn't know too.

There were only two choices in front of me.

Wait for this to go away and risk ruining our friendship by always avoiding you.

Tell you what it is and still risk our friendship.

I couldn't pick because either way, I'd lose.

You sighed and stood up. We haven't even talked about it.

My face gloomed, thinking this is where we'll end.

But at that moment, you picked the path for me, Ivo.

You held out your hand, and when I reached for it, you suddenly pulled me into your arms.

And not until that day I was aware that something so cheesy that I have read a couple of times in romance books would happen.

I tried to pull away. I was afraid of us being this close again because I might just lose it and let it all out, but you held me tighter and much closer. My head was now leaning onto your chest. I tried resisting a bit more but stopped when I felt the familiar beat.

Yours too beating erratically. Just like mine.

After a while, you let go of me and kissed my forehead before walking away.

I stood there, dumbfounded.

What the hell was that heartbeat, Ivo? Am I overthinking things?

But the kiss on the forehead!

"You know it was my sign, you dumbass!" I shouted since you were quite far from me.

You looked back and smirked before turning your back on me again. You waved your hand goodbye without looking back.

I touched my forehead. After realizing what you were trying to convey, I began blushing hard.

Wow, that's quite vague, but it was enough for me to understand.

"That prick, really. So I was avoiding him for nothing?" I complained, but I felt myself smiling widely. I gathered my things and ran to catch up with you.

And after that day, everything between us changed.

And that is how we started.